News

Cafe owner would prefer invasion of bikers than middle-class mums

THE chaos and disruption of an invasion of middle-class mums and their spoilt children makes a Hell’s Angels rampage look like nothing, a cafe owner has claimed.

Woman hires Mafia hitman to execute her if she doesn’t stick to diet

A WOMAN has ensured she will keep to her health regime by paying a hitman to shoot her if she fails to lose three stone by the end of June.

Woman with incredibly impressive job title actually earns £11k

A WOMAN who works as a 'brand optimising consultant' actually leads a nightmarish hand-to-mouth existence, friends have noticed.

Fond memories of the A-team ruined by watching it

A MAN has had his fond memories of The A-team ruined by actually watching a full episode.

Man using ‘We’re pregnant’ as excuse to be a lazy arse

AN EXPECTANT father is using it as an excuse to get out of doing anything he can not be bothered to do, friends have confirmed.

Student suddenly realises all his housemates are dicks

A FIRST-YEAR student has suddenly realised, mid-term, that everyone he lives with is a total and utter dick.

Express readers to discover incredible world beyond weather

READERS of the Daily Express are to be introduced to a strange new world of news that is not about the weather. 

‘Get pissed every night’ ad campaign subtitled ‘Enjoy alcohol responsibly’

A NEW campaign encouraging Britons to spend every night of the week getting hammered also advises them to enjoy alcohol responsibly.