Voter who liked Labour policy slapping himself around the face

A VOTER who thought a policy in Labour’s manifesto sounded ‘attractive’ is slapping his own face repeatedly and telling himself to ‘wake up’.

Food banks 'being abused by dole scroungers’, confirms man's fevered imagination

PEOPLE only use food banks so they can spend their benefits on fags and booze, according to a man who has imagined the problem thoroughly.

Unpopular pub thrilled to be changing hands again

AN unsuccessful pub is sure that its fourth landlord in eight years will finally make everyone like it again.

Private electricity makes your telly work better, claim Tories

THE Conservatives have claimed that without private electricity, Britain’s flatscreen televisions would still be showing the test card.

Toughest thing about marriage is when wife scrapes car, confirm husbands

MEN have agreed that marriage takes work, that it is a marathon not a sprint, and the toughest part is when the wife scrapes the car again.

I am never flying Ryanair again, declares woman for 13th time

A WOMAN has sworn she will never again travel with Ryanair, having sworn the same thing on 12 previous occasions.

Young people to have arses kicked all the way to polling stations

SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote in the general election.

Man pretending he won't just order the burger

A MAN is studying a menu and making inane comments in a bid to convince his fellow diners that he might ordering anything but a burger.