82% Wish They Were Pretending To Be Dead

THE number of people in Britain who wish they were pretending to be dead has risen for the fifth month in a row.

Big Fat Indian Woman Refuses To Hug Jonathan Ross

AMMA, the big fat indian woman who has hugged more than 26 million people, has warned Jonathan Ross not to come within 100 metres of her comforting bosom.

F*ck-Boots Must Stay On, Says Government

WOMEN who go out dressed in fuck-boots must keep them on in the bedroom, ministers said last night.

Mccartney Apologises For Song About 'Japanese Lunatic'

SIR Paul McCartney has revealed that the mysterious final track on Abbey Road was actually a cryptic reference to Yoko Ono.

Darwin Fingers Canoe

SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin has claimed he was forced to fake his own death by a hardened kayak who once worked for the Krays.

Microsoft Replaces Vista 'Kill-Switch' With Army Of Mercenaries

SOFTWARE giant Microsoft is to replace its built-in, anti-piracy systems with a vast army of ruthless mercenaries.

Free 'Editor Of Heat Is A Total Prick' Sticker For Every Reader

IT'S our most exciting reader giveaway ever!

Teddy Row Teacher Calls Dirt-Box 'Jesus'

TEDDY row teacher Gillian Gibbons is a serial blasphemer who refers to her back-passage as 'Jesus', the Daily Mash can reveal.