Britain Not As Good As 'The Guardian' Said It Was, Claims Top Tory

BRITAIN has become like The Wire, scarred by drugs and violence and nowhere near as good as The Guardian said it was, a senior Tory has claimed.

Herbal Highs Will Soon Be As Rare As Heroin, Say Experts

GOVERNMENT plans to ban so called 'herbal highs' will make the drugs as rare as a largely forgotten narcotic known as heroin, experts claimed last night.

Cotswolds WI shoots hardcore charity calendar

A GROUP of retirement-age women from a Cotswold village have produced a charity calendar featuring a Chicago three-way, two golden shake-downs and a carefully choreographed 'Dutch steamboat'.

Jobless Now Just Eight Years Away From Next Job

THE number of years Britain's unemployed will have to wait for their next job has been slashed from nine to eight, after an unexpected surge in business confidence.

Terminally Ill Woman Wins Right To Be Blown Up By The Army

A TERMINALLY-ill woman has won a landmark court victory giving her the right to be blown up by the Army.

Londoners Edge Closer To Reading Books

THE closure of The London Paper has pushed the capital's commuters one step closer to reading books or perhaps even talking to each other, it was claimed last night.

'3D Dog Turd' Smashes Box Office Records

RECORD numbers of movie-goers across Britain are queuing up to be bombarded with giant lumps of three dimensional faeces.

Yorkshire Ripper To Dig For Oil

YORKSHIRE Ripper Peter Sutcliffe has begun digging for oil beneath his Broadmoor cell in the hope of bribing the authorities into letting him go.