Sick son of a bitch makes tea in microwave

A WARPED individual habitually makes cups of tea in a microwave, it has been confirmed.

Man using pathetic scraps of evidence to convince himself woman fancies him

A MAN has convinced himself a woman fancies him based on extremely flimsy evidence.

Eton must be shit, everyone concludes

THE UK has concluded that, based on Boris Johnson and other Old Etonians, the supposedly elite school is actually turning out thick twats.

Kids 'only want to go outside when it's f**king freezing'

CHILDREN are only interested in going outdoors when it is incredibly cold, it has emerged.

Pregnant woman experiencing cravings for less stupid f**king questions about pregnancy

A PREGNANT woman is experiencing overwhelming cravings for less stupid fucking questions about her pregnancy.

Motorist makes essential journey to Burger King

A MOTORIST has insisted he complied with weather warnings because his trip to Burger King was essential. 

Couple who bought house in arse end of nowhere convincing themselves it’s a 'really great place to live'

A COUPLE who bought a house in an affordable-but-shit area are trying to convince themselves it’s great.

'Cheeky' kid actually complete little bastard

A CHILD described as ‘cheeky’ is actually a menace to everyone around him, it has been confirmed.