David Davis to retire just before Brexit so he can move to the Algarve

BREXIT minister David Davis will retire before 2019 because he fancies buying himself a nice place in the sun.

Arm everyone with machine guns, say unspeakable bastards

EVERY American should be given an automatic weapon, according to the country’s bastard pieces of shit.

Facebook 'needier than a newborn baby that's just shat itself', say experts

FACEBOOK'S incessant notifications and requests have made it more demanding than a baby that has just soiled itself, experts have confirmed.

Man with lyrics to ‘How Soon Is Now’ tattooed on his arm starting to think Morrissey may be an arse 

A MAN who has Morrissey’s lyrics tattooed on his body is finally starting to realise the former Smiths frontman is an arsehole.

Man thinks twice about telling builder interesting fact

A MAN has decided against telling a builder working at his house an interesting fact about the size of England.

Middle class parents studying school catchment areas like generals planning invasion

A PROFESSIONAL couple are studying school catchment areas in a highly strategic manner.

Spanish government unveils next phase of totally unnecessary f**k-up

THE Spanish government has announced further plans for totally ballsing up for no reason, it has been confirmed.

New employee doing some serious arse-licking

A COMPANY'S new recruit is really quite something when it comes to ingratiating himself with bosses, everyone has noticed.