News

The World's Most Eco-Friendly Shopping Bag: Are You Too Poor And Ghastly To Own One?

THOUSANDS of really ordinary people like you queued around the block last night to get their hands on the must-have fashion accessory of our time: the Anya Hindmarch designed Daily Mash eco-shopping bag.

Prince Harry To Be Sent To Ascot

ARMY chiefs are reviewing their decision to send Prince Harry to Iraq and are now expected to send the Royal soldier to Ascot instead.

'Eat Your Rubbish' Say Councils

SCOTTISH councils are planning to shift from weekly refuse collections to never because householders keep on filling their bins with dirty rubbish.

Record Companies Call For Ban On Whistling

THE world's leading record companies have joined forces to call for a ban on whistling, claiming it is an infringement of copyright. 

Hairdresser Opens Underworld Portal

A LEADING Scots hairdresser has opened a portal to the underworld in his Glasgow salon to satisfy the growing demand for paranormal coiffeuring. 

Jail The Parents Of Masturbators, Says Charity

PARENTS who allow their teenage sons to masturbate at home should face jail, a leading charity says. 

Teenage Boys Welcome 'Scandinavian-Style' Education

TEENAGE boys across the country were applauding the Liberal Democrats last night after they pledged to introduce Scandinavian teaching methods to the Scottish education system.

Halfwits To Be Banned From Using The Phone

HALFWITS, cretins and morons are to be denied access to the telephone system as part of a government crackdown on TV quizzes.