News

Mckellen Threatened By Orcs

POLICE investigating a series of death threats against the actor Sir Ian McKellen now believe they were made by Orcs. 

Bodyguards Positioned Outside Jolie's Vagina

ANGELINA Jolie is expected to give birth to twins within hours after bodyguards took up positions outside her vagina.

Liverpool Celebrates Day Beatles Pissed Off To Surrey

LIVERPOOL yesterday marked the anniversary of the last full day the Beatles spent in the city before buying huge houses in Surrey. 

Government Addicted To Painkillers, Say Docs

THE British government is in the grip of a chronic addiction to prescription painkillers, experts claimed last night.

Iran Kicks America In The Nuts

IRAN was last night reassessing its decision to walk up to America and kick it squarely in the nuts.

Teenage Girl 'Obviously Having Affair With Bat'

A TEENAGE girl who claimed she found a bat in her 34FF bra is actually having an affair with the flying mammal, friends revealed last night. 

'Nazi Toddlers Ruined My Birthday'

A THREE year-old boy last night revealed how a gang of extreme right wing toddlers ruined his birthday party with violence and racial taunts.

Shakespeare Study To Teach Kids New Words For Cock

PRIMARY school children as young as five are to study the works of Shakespeare as part of a government initiative to teach them hundreds of 17th century slang words for penis.