News

Met Chief Refuses To Resign After Setting Fire To A Tramp

METROPOLITAN  Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair has refused to resign despite setting fire to a tramp in central London.

'We Haven't Got A F*cking Clue' Admit Scientists

SCIENTISTS do not have the faintest idea about anything anymore and are not even 100% sure of that, they admitted last night. 

China Sets New Light Speed Record

CHINA has asserted its growing technological dominance by setting a new record for the speed of light.

Africans Disappointed To Discover $100 Laptops Are Not Full Of Food

COMMUNITIES across Africa have revealed their disappointment that the new $100 laptops contain no nutritional value.

Most Willing To Lie About Green Lifestyle Changes

MOST people are ready to tell enormous lies about the personal sacrifices they will make to halt climate change, the latest Daily Mash poll reveals.

'Replace My Photo With Bag Of Prawn Cocktail Crisps' Demands Prince

PRINCE, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, broke into uncharted mental territory yesterday after instructing his fan websites to remove his photograph.

British iPhone To Include A Sense Of Fair Play - And Racism

THE British version of the Apple iPhone will come with an inbuilt stiff upper lip, a sense of fair play - and racism.

Energy Cocktails Make You Shag All Night, Doctors Warn

MIXING alcohol with energy drinks stops you from falling asleep in discos and makes you fornicate like a rabbit, leading doctors warned last night.