Masochists Welcome Kinky Porn Crackdown

THE editor of Masochism Today has welcomed a government crackdown on kinky porn and demanded that a cheese grater be dragged across his testicles for breaching the new regulations.

Consumers To Link Oil Company Profits And Petrol Prices Any Day Now

OIL company executives were last night heading to undisclosed locations amid speculation that consumers were about to make the link between high petrol prices and corporate profits.

Teenage Lives Complete As Grand Theft Auto Fills Gap Between Bouts Of Frenzied Masturbation

TEENAGE boys across Britain are celebrating after discovering a successful method of marking time between energetic masturbation sessions.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Marriage Over, Say Her Knees

GWYNETH Paltrow’s four-year marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is over, the Hollywood star’s knees revealed last night.

Rich People Very Happy

NEW research has revealed that Britain's rich people are happier than ever, thank you for asking.

Syria Outsources Evil Plotting To North Korea

SYRIA is to outsource its evil plotting to North Korea in a £3 billion deal to create the world's biggest terror brand.

Banks Fucked

BANKS in the UK were fucked yesterday, after a landmark court ruling.

One In Four Teens Pretending To Be Depressed

ONE in four teenagers is in a really bad place right now which is making them, like, incredibly sad and stuff, a new study reveals.