News

God Tells Britney To Sod Off

GOD last night said he would pretend to be out after troubled singer Britney Spears revealed she “could not wait to meet Him”. 

Google Launch Own-Brand Sausage

GOOGLE is to launch its own brand of sausages after it emerged that the most frequently asked question by internet users is "what sausage shall I eat today?"

Iran Signs Four-Year Deal With Disney

IRAN has abandoned theocracy and signed a four year deal with Disney after two hours of talks with the US Government yesterday. 

Absolutely Everything Can Kill You, Warns Department Of Health

EVERYTHING will carry a government warning label, under plans to prevent anything from happening, the Department of Health has announced.

Keith Richards Delighted To Discover He Is In 'Pirates Of The Caribbean'

ROLLING Stone Keith Richards last night said he was "amazed and delighted" to discover he was in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie after attending its star-studded premiere in Hollywood. 

It's War!!! Overwhelming Support For Salmond's Dutch Assault

SCOTLAND is a nation of demented, blood-thirsty warmongers, straining to mount a full-scale assault on Holland, according to a Daily Mash readers' poll.

In-Flight Erections To Double After Viagra Jetlag Discovery

VIRGIN is to raise the height of the seatback tray tables on its transatlantic flights by a number of inches after it emerged that love drug Viagra could now be used as a cure for jetlag. 

Big Brother House To Include Room Full Of Man-Eating Tigers

THIS year's Big Brother house is to include quirky new features including a toilet in the middle of the livingroom floor and a room full of tigers.