By Karen Fenessey 

I HAVE always been one of those annoying people who can do anything if they turn their mind to it. After a two week holiday in Corfu, I was pretty much fluent - chatting to locals about their daily lives and learning all about their unique habits. This is just one of the many skills I possess, and which make me the envy of pretty much everyone I meet. 

None of you people who lead ordinary, run-of-the-mill, dreary, worthless existences could possibly imagine what it’s like to live in the goldfish bowl - in fact, the thing I live in is more than that…it’s like an aquarium big enough to house those really, really big tortoises that can swim. That’s what it’s like to be me.

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By Karen Fenessey 

Sometimes I despair about this modern society in which we live. People like me go through extensive and rigorous education to become teachers and our primary goal, apart from securing a respectable employment package, is to mould young minds and provide children with a secure moral code to live by. I certainly do that everyday and not once have I heard a whisper of thanks from any child.

By Vladimir Putin

WEAK, flabby western men with no love of country and no respect from women - I will take greatest pleasure in crushing you.

Off to get my head shaved. Missing Buenos Aires. The weather was shit today in the UK so flew over there for half an hour but got bored. Courtney rang and said she is no  longer off to rehab but back in 'hab' so I'm calling my new club in Nice that. The missus wants me to buy Nice but I want to buy Budapest. It's more punk rock and cheaper. Well it was when I was there at 3.30 this morning.

By Karen Fenessey

I am thoroughly disgusted with the utter filth who bring children into this world and then send them to school to be educated by decent people like me.

By David Cameron

GLOBAL warming is a threat to us all. I'm really serious about this. It will cause untold misery for millions across the globe and change the way we live, for ever. But in the meantime it does mean lots and lots of lovely weather. And what's the absolute best thing to do when the sun shines? Have a picnic!