THIS is a very exciting time for myself and Peter. He's writing his life story, which his agent told me is going to be 'An Autobiography'. I don't know about you, but I thought that was a well weird name for a book – I mean what has that got to do with my Pete's life story, hey? Why don’t they call it What I've Done So Far In My Life So Far By Peter Andre, Husband Of Katie Price?

By Karen Fenessey 

IT’S a sad day that sees artists with real integrity beaten down by loud-mouth sensationalists. This week, I have found myself in the same boat as the prominent female art lover, Tracey Emin, who has always struggled against the thousands of Philippines who want her silenced. And I have been seriously reconsidering whether I want to keep working at my school, if it means having to tolerate these imbeciles.

By Azam Al-Maktar, shopkeeper, Basra

MY dear British friends, why you leave? You come here four year ago and say all will be great now that fat Sunni bastard in Baghdad is down hole. I stand in street and cheer. I look very much forward to being free and having aspirin and CNN. But it no happen and now you get in tank and bugger off to airport. Are you on holidays or are you having up to here with all the shit?

By Karen Fenessey

Having seen the film ‘Se7en’ (or you might recognise it as ‘Seven’) featuring Brad Pitt and the hauntingly talented Morgan Freeman at least ten times, I think it’s safe to say I know more than the average person about the skills needed to be a good sleuth.

Stop right there. I don’t want to hear any more of this claptrap that a movie is a film – a film is the correct term for a feature. Film is British, it’s Norman Wisdom being dragged across a garden by a dirty-great lawn mower, Christopher Lee dressed like a big Jessie in The Wicker Man and perhaps most memorably, British film is summed up best by Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson chomping on crumpets in a station buffet, resisting an almost uncontrollable urge to make the beast with two backs.

By Karen Fenessey

I don’t know if it’s like this all over the country, but summer seems to be a total disappointment this year. I, for one, believe that this is all down to emissions from greenhouse gases and I make a point of ramming this home to my class of planet-killing P2s, who spend more time leaking out radioactive rays on their silly X-boxes than lowering the damage left all over the world by their grubby carbon fingerprints.

By George Monbiot

THEIR screaming sirens, their back-to-front writing and their dirty deisel engines have become a fixture in our modern lives, but does anyone ever stop to think if we actually need them?