MY new prime-time show, Jeremy Kyle Tells You To Shut It, airs tonight, and the first episode is an absolute corker. A woman who'd lost her entire family in a multiple car wreck was sitting in the chair, moaning and groaning about her lot in life, which I know was pissing the audience off no end. So I hit her over the head with my rolled-up script.

I SEE red and white stripes. I see a sinister-looking man, frightening of aspect and large of girth but possessed of a grace unseen in mortal men, with the possible exception of Van Basten before his ankle imploded.
Southampton to beat Bristol Rovers