Politics

Everyone worried Owen Smith will try to sell them a vacuum cleaner

BRITONS are worried that Labour leadership candidate Owen Smith might try to sell them life insurance or solar panels, they have revealed.

UKIP steps up search for new bellend

UKIP is to accelerate its leadership election to fill the bellend void left by Nigel Farage.

Government to spend £350 million a week on Brexit negotiations

THERESA May has pledged to spend £350m a week negotiating Britain’s exit from the EU.

Corbyn demands to be only unity candidate

JEREMY Corbyn has asked leadership rival Owen Smith to pull out of the race so he can run as Labour’s lone unity candidate.

Voters can f**k right off, confirms Labour

ANYONE hoping to vote for a functioning centre-left party can take a running jump, the Labour party has confirmed.

Public even more suspicious of state school Tories

CONSERVATIVE politicians who attended state schools should be trusted even less than the posh ones, the public has agreed.

Iain Duncan Smith appointed Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You

IAIN Duncan Smith has returned to government as the Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You.

May orders spin doctors to develop second facet to her personality

THE new prime minister has ordered her PR team to ‘flesh out’ her character beyond stone-faced authoritarianism.