HALF of all MPs will be forced to repay expenses while the other half have somehow managed to lie their way out of it, according to a report published today.

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has been forced to scrap his deficit reduction plan, admitting it was based entirely on sales of Billy Bragg's Between the Wars EP.

NORTHERN Ireland's first minister last night thanked God that his corrupt, adulterous wife was not a lesbian whore.

LABOUR was dealt a blow today as two senior party figures claimed Gordon Brown was still prime minister.

THE Conservatives have pledged to bring in a new law guaranteeing the right to kill poor people, foreigners and socialists.

GORDON Brown's plan for a class war against the Conservatives was in tatters last night after it emerged that one of his MPs is named Quentin.

THE Conservative Party last night offered to buy chancellor Alistair Darling the home of his dreams.

GORDON Brown today pledged to cut Britain's deficit with a radical package of outright lies.