the dailymash

Government must not get bogged down by facts, says May

THERESA May has demanded the Home Office be set free to do its vital work unhindered by reality.

Osborne had fingers crossed the whole time

GEORGE Osborne unveiled a series of steps to avoid a further credit crunch from a set of notes with 'chinny reckon' written on them.

Tories to try and look normal for three days

THE Conservatives will spend the next three days trying desperately to portray themselves as ordinary humans.

Good things better than bad things, says Miliband

THERE should be more good things and less bad things, Ed Miliband will announce today.

Ed Balls to pretend we've never met

ED Balls will today attempt to convince Britain that we have him confused with that smug little prick who ruined everything.

Osborne should admit to cocaine-hooker binge even if it's not true

GEORGE Osborne may as well admit he had a night of coke-fuelled hooker sex even if he didn't, it has emerged.

Michael Gove to wrestle Nadine Dorries in a pit

CHANGES to constituency boundaries will lead to MPs fighting each other bare chested in a muddy hole.

Mensch continues to create unusual stirrings

LOUISE Mensch has become the number one cause of odd, conflicted stirrings among Guardian readers, according to a new poll.

Boris not liking this job anymore

DAILY Telegraph columnist Boris Johnson does not like being mayor of London anymore, it has been confirmed.