THE premiership of Gordon Brown will be dominated by the damp, dreary weather so typical of his native Fife, the Met Office warned last night.

GORDON Brown has pledged to build 650 new ideologically-friendly towns across Britain when he becomes Prime Minister.

SNP Leader Alex Salmond has provoked the first constitutional crisis of the new parliament by demanding Scotland have its own entry in the Eurovision song contest.

ALEX Salmond has extended the hand of friendship to Lib Dem leader Nicol Stephen by offering to buy him a beautiful pony named 'Brambles'.

FIRST Minister Jack McConnell has barricaded himself inside his official residence and is refusing to leave.

UNITED Nations election observers last night labeled Scotland as one of the most knuckle-headed countries on the face of the earth.

TENSIONS inside the Labour campaign boiled over last night as Gordon Brown delivered a severe thumping to First Minister Jack McConnell.

It's set to be the most historic night in Scottish politics since blah blah blah.... Union in jeopardy.... blah blah.... end of Labour domination..... blah blah.... is Gordon Brewer feeling alright?