THE Tories last night staked their claim as the party of economic competence by locking former chancellor Norman Lamont in a great big box.

OPUS Dei transport secretary Ruth Kelly is to resign from the cabinet to spend more time with that spikey chain thing they strap round the top of their thighs.

ONCE again, the Daily Mash books you a front row seat to history in the actual making. Today Gordon Brown delivers his last ever speech to a Labour conference. Will it be really great, or will everyone start shouting 'get off, you jowly freak'? We'll bring you minute by minute highlights as we try to stay with it, all the way through to the end...

ALISTAIR Darling is to boost Britain's faltering economy by giving 30 million one pound coins to poor people.

THE Lib Dems last night phoned 250,000 voters to ask if Nick Clegg was the medium sized one in Last of the Summer Wine.

EVERYONE will get a bowl of luxurious vanilla ice cream and a nice, long hand job when the Lib Dems take power, the party agreed yesterday.

PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night wiping urine from his face after attempting to empty his bladder into a strong wind.

ALISTAIR Darling last night pleaded for his immediate dismissal, stressing he was the worst chancellor in more than 60 years.