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CAMERON TO CAMPAIGN FOR SEX WITH GOATS

The Conservative Party will fight the next election promising to reintroduce the public strangling of traffic wardens and the legalisation of environmentally-friendly goat sex.
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LONDONERS 'STINK OF EELS' SAYS BORIS JOHNSON

BORIS Johnson has kick-started his mayoral campaign by describing Londoners as 'ghastly, eel-breathed troglodytes'.
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BRITAIN AND AMERICA TO SEE OTHER COUNTRIES

BRITAIN and America have announced a trial separation during which they will be free to see other countries.
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Opinion

IN THE COMMENTARY BOX...

With Peter Alliss OOOH dear, he's come up short again. Reminds me of the late, great Snuffy Edwards back in '53. He had just played his approach to the 12th at Carnoustie, when all of a sudden - zap! - he's vaporised by a lightning strike. He was, of course, disqualified for failing to sign his card. I suppose these days they'd have let him off...
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