Politics

Oxford rowing team wins right to choose next prime minister

ROWERS from Oxford University will get to choose the next prime minister after winning a boat race.

Britain to celebrate freedom from Europe by replacing all its laws with identical ones

THE UK will celebrate independence from the EU by repealing all European laws and replacing them with unchanged, but British, ones.

Theresa May remembers that one time she answered a question

THE prime minister has taken a moment to remember the last time she gave a direct answer to a question, back in 1996.

Arseholed Nick Clegg screams filth at a pigeon

AN incredibly drunk Nick Clegg has been swearing violently at a pigeon in central London.

Scotland wants independence too, but in a bad way

SCOTLAND wants independence in a way that is nationalistic rather than patriotic, according to the government.

Everybody ordered to get with their Brexit Buddy

THE entire population of the UK must spend the next two years with their government-assigned Brexit Buddy.

I have no idea what I have just done

AS prime minister and leader of your country, I have just done something which will have consequences completely unknown to me.

Worried Britons notice opposite of everything May says is true

THE exact opposite of anything Theresa May says is correct, concerned Britons have realised.