Politics

May pledges free vote on vicars cycling past village greens while cricketers hit sixes into cloudless skies

THERESA May has promised MPs a free vote on the ‘nation-defining’ issue of whether vicars can still greet policemen while cycling past village greens at sunset.

Corbyn unveils crazy plan to not completely f**k up education system

JEREMY Corbyn has been branded a danger to British children after unveiling a demented plan to spend more money on their education.

May trying to imagine what human beings are like

THERESA May is trying to find out what motivates normal human beings so that she can sound vaguely like one of them, it has emerged.

Corbyn absolutely sure public will warm to him by 2037

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn is sure that, given another two decades, the British public will learn to love him.

Man about to be shafted by Tories somehow worried about Marxism

A MAN who is likely to suffer under a Tory government is deeply concerned about a Labour politician being a Marxist.

Bristol elects Tory mayor after most people were too stoned to vote

BRISTOL has elected a Conservative mayor because most of the city’s population was stoned and forgot to vote.

UKIP flattened like an M6 hedgehog

UKIP has been flattened in the local elections like a hedgehog under a convoy of HGVs, it has been confirmed.

I am a strong, stable, paranoid lunatic, says May

THERESA May has told the nation she is a strong, stable leader with paranoid delusions that she has enemies hidden everywhere.