Sport

England qualify for World Cup against better judgement

ENGLAND have qualified for the 2018 World Cup finals in Russia despite their deep misgivings about doing so.

Rooney sentenced to 100 hours of supporting Everton

WAYNE Rooney has been sentenced to 100 gruelling hours of supporting Everton.

Arsenal hoping nobody they know saw them in the Europa League

ARSENAL have attempted to sneak through their Europa League clash with FC Koln without anyone noticing them.

Frank de Boer no longer able to get six-month tenancy on a flat

NO LANDLORD in Europe is willing to give Frank De Boer a six-month lease on a flat because there is little chance he'll be in employment that long.

Friend who does Crossfit banging on about it again

A WOMAN who has taken up Crossfit is talking about Crossfit again, sources have revealed.

Otherwise intelligent man excited about idiotic boxing thing

A MAN who reads book is currently thinking about almost nothing but tomorrow's ludicrous boxing mismatch.

Rooney ends disappointing 119 cap, 53 goal England career

WAYNE Rooney's record-breaking international career was actually pretty shit when it comes down to it, football experts have concluded.