Sport

FA Cup to trial substituting finalists

THE FA will substitute lower-league teams who reach the FA Cup final for popular clubs like Manchester United.

Russia to hold Olympic Games on Drugs

RUSSIA is to host an alternative Olympic Games this summer where drug use is not only allowed but encouraged.

FA says, ‘f**k it, what does it matter?’

THE Football Association has finally given up and appointed Sam Allardyce as England manager.

Sunderland to spend £30m on someone, anyone

SUNDERLAND has pledged to smash its transfer record to bring in anyone, anyone at all.

Chris Froome abandons bike after realising they’re for kids

CHRIS Froome has completed a stage of the Tour de France on foot after suddenly realising that cycling is not what a grown man should be doing.

Football fans face terrifying hours without football

WORRIED fans have been reassured that pre-season fixtures are already under way, saving them from interacting with any other aspect of society.

Wimbledon finished two days ago

THE Wimbledon Tennis Championship concluded on Wednesday but nobody noticed, officials have confirmed.

Sam Allardyce disqualified from England job by wanting it

SAM Allardyce has been ruled out as England manager because he would actually like to do the job, the FA has confirmed.