Sport

McCoist doomed to be Rangers manager for all eternity

AFTER unsuccessfully resigning, Ally McCoist has admitted that he has no idea how he can stop being Rangers manager.

Football reporting to be limited to upsets

THE media is to cease reporting football results that, like Chelsea beating Hull, are entirely expected by everyone.

Men desperate to appear knowledgeable about boxing

MILLIONS of men are making unconvincing attempts to show off their boxing knowledge.

FA Cup committee takes all night to pick a starter

THE people responsible for drawing the FA Cup third round took four hours to order starters in a restaurant, it has emerged.

Man City unveils lair

MANCHESTER City FC has revealed the heavily armed £200m lair from which it will conquer the world.

Leicester players still believe in existence of manager

PLAYERS for Leicester City remain convinced that manager Nigel Pearson exists, despite mounting evidence.

Liverpool to let Gerrard play until he is 65

NO-ONE at Liverpool FC has the heart to make Steven Gerrard retire before he is a pensioner, it has emerged.

Yorkshire residents terrified they could be made Leeds United owner

THE cobbled streets of Yorkshire are empty as residents cower in their homes, terrified they could be made the new owner of Leeds United.