Sport

Everyone in crisis except Chelsea

CHELSEA is the one football club in Europe not presently descending into chaos, it has been confirmed.

Young football fan reluctantly adopts Milner as role model

A 10-YEAR-OLD football fan has grudgingly hung a poster of James Milner on his wall.

Racing driver named Britain’s greatest ever Lewis

LEWIS Hamilton has been recognised as the country’s number one Lewis of all time.

Dave Whelan invites Jewish friends over for sweet and sour pork

WIGAN Athletic owner Dave Whelan is to reach out to his many Jewish friends with a lavish pork banquet.

Arsenal-United game to be five-a-side

INJURY-HIT Arsenal and Manchester United have agreed to field only five players each for tomorrow’s game.

All sport moved to desert

EVERY major sporting event will now take place under the blazing desert sun, it has been confirmed.

England team fired up for going home after Scotland game

THE England squad are single-mindedly focused on showering and getting home as soon as possible after tonight's match against Scotland.

FIFA isn’t corrupt, you are, says FIFA

AN 18-month investigation into FIFA corruption has found that football’s governing body has no issue with corruption but that you totally do.