Sport

Brian Sewell's transfer window round-up

NOTHING would have induced me to flee to Manchester, not even £16m.

Transfer window day made a bank holiday

THE closing of the football transfer window has been made a public holiday, because no work gets done that day anyway.

Wenger lifts calcium ban

ARSENE Wenger has reluctantly re-introduced calcium to his team's diet after Olivier Giroud broke a tibia.

Zombie Celtic killed with fire

NK MARIBOR has finally put an end to Celtic's Champions League campaign by removing its players' heads and burning their remains.

Man United to become MK Mancs

FOLLOWING the successful example of MK Dons, Manchester United is to set up in the same town under the name MK Mancs.

United to play rest of season behind closed doors

MANCHESTER United has banned all spectators because they're putting off the players.

It's okay, I've brought my own flamethrower, says Balotelli

MARIO Balotelli has assured the Liverpool management that he has all the equipment he needs.

Arsenal blames fatigue as season stretches into third game

ARSENAL’S poor performance against Besiktas has been blamed on the rigours of playing football for nearly a fortnight.