the dailymash

Arsenal to unveil statue of man checking his texts

THE next statue to be unveiled outside the Emirates Stadim will be of someone looking really bored.

Fulham fans 'fainted dead away'

FULHAM fans took one of their turns last night.

FA Cup sees battle of the giant also-rans

THE FA Cup third round will see an epic battle between players you have never heard of against players who were okay five years ago.

Aw, bless, sportswomen told

THE Sports Personality of the Year judging panel has told Britain's women athletes to stop worrying their sporty little heads.

Ferguson absolutely does not call for linesmen to be 'disappeared'

SIR Alex Ferguson has made it clear he in no way advocates having officials who displease him disappear without trace.

Adebayor to bring starving child to contract negotiations

EMMANUEL Adebayor will ask Harry Redknapp to tell a Togolese orphan that his wage demands are unreasonable.

England rugby team English

ENGLAND'S rugby union squad is full of English people, according to leaked documents.

Hollywood to film 'Premier League Burning'

HOLYWOOD is to remake Mississippi Burning set in a variety of premier league football grounds.

Brian Sewell's Euro 2012 playoff round-up

NEXT year I shall be reviving the lost tradition of the Grand Tour Of Europe, with my route taking me to every town in which Lord Byron managed to impregnate a member of the local aristocracy.