Sport
Ferguson Sends Photo Of Arse To Scunthorpe Match
SIR Alex Ferguson has been accused of disrespecting the Carling Cup after
installing a framed photo of his buttocks on the Manchester United
bench.
Millions To Watch Commonwealth Games To See If Something Collapses
MILLIONS of people who had no intention of watching the Commonwealth Games are now eager to tune in just to see if the stadium collapses.
Strauss Denies England In Control Of Their Actions
ANDREW Strauss has angrily dismissed accusations that the England cricket squad is capable of doing things deliberately.
Berbatov To Spend Rest Of Season Drinking Absinthe
DIMITAR Berbatov will spend the next eight months sipping absinthe from a jade goblet after completing his 90 minutes of effort for the season.
Rooney Sex Tape In Hands Of Insect-Stroking Ultra-Villain
A DEMENTED albino billionaire is threatening to beam images of a rutting Wayne Rooney into every home on Earth unless he is handed control of the world's nuclear arsenal.
Boxing A Metaphor For Cocaine, Says Hatton Loudly
RICKY Hatton has insisted that the whole sport of boxing is geared toward cocaine use, right down to its ruinous affects on nasal septums.
Rooney Ends Prostitute Drought
MANCHESTER United fans were celebrating last night after Wayne Rooney ended a six year prostitute revelation drought.
Usain Bolt To Take Your Job By Next Year
SPRINTER Usain Bolt has indicated his intention to do your job much, much better than you ever could after first breaking every athletics record in the world.
England Fans Attack Wombles
ENGLAND fans gathering in London ahead of tonight's qualifying game against Bulgaria have been involved in running battles with the capital's Womble population.
- We'd Have Done It For A Tenner, Say Thousands Of Awful Cricketers
- Aquilani Loaned To Italian Jigsaw Enthusiast
- Newcastle Delusions Invade Reality
- Which England Footballer Likes To Have Sex With Two Giraffes At The Same Time?
- Cole Acclimatises To Liverpool With Criminal Record
