the dailymash

British sport welcomes Haye excuse

DEFEATED boxer David Haye has heralded a new dawn of British sports excuses by blaming a 1cm bone in his four tonne body.

Fifa cranks up the piss-taking

ENGLAND have been moved to fourth in the world rankings in a move clearly designed to flip the FA the bird.

Olympics criticised for not immediately fulfilling pointless desires

ORGANISERS of the London Olympics have apologised for not simultaneously saying yes to every single person in the world.

Aquarium transfer round-up

WITH the new aquarium season just two weeks away, there has been a flurry of transfer activity at the UK's top marine-based attractions.

Chelsea fans go all giddy

THOUSANDS of tattooed Chelsea supporters have locked themselves in their room listening to Justin Bieber after the appointment of André Villas-Boas as manager.

Sharapova grunt awarded world heritage status

THE grunting of Maria Sharapova is to be protected under the United Nation's world heritage programme.

'Murray, Fred Perry, historic strawberries' says Britain

TENNIS will start being played in Britain today apart from all the other places in Britain where it is played all the time.

Fabregas to stage one-man slut-walk

ARSENAL'S Cesc Fabregas is to stage a solo 'slut-walk' after Barcelona boss Pep Guardiola accused him of wanton teasery.

Multi-billion pound outdoor pastime still struggling with liquid

FORMULA 1 bosses have been urged to make their multi-million pound cars slightly more adaptable than a 10-year-old Nissan Micra.