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FORMULA ONE TO FEATURE AN ELEPHANT ON A SKATEBOARD

MOTORSPORT bosses have unveiled plans to overhaul Formula One with exciting new features, including hand to hand combat and an elephant on a skateboard.
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ENGLAND TO BE EXCUSED FROM SPORTS

ENGLAND has asked to be excused from sports for the rest of the year after producing a note from its mum.
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KEEGAN AND NEWCASTLE PLEDGE TO DRIVE OFF A CLIFF TOGETHER

KEVIN  Keegan and Newcastle have pledged to drive off a cliff together in a final act of sisterhood, rather than face relegation from the premier league.
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Opinion

'I WAS THERE'

Christopher Walken remembers the 1982 World Snooker Championships

DIDDLY-dee! diddily-dee! That’s the sound the wheels on a train make – diddly-dee! diddly-dee! I hate that noise, I hate it almost as much as I do Adam Sandler movies, so I pulled the emergency chord above my head, bringing the 12.57 from King’s Cross to Sheffield, shuddering to a halt.
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