Sport

Rooney ends disappointing 119 cap, 53 goal England career

WAYNE Rooney's record-breaking international career was actually pretty shit when it comes down to it, football experts have concluded.

'Sick' athletes must compete unless they have note from mum

ATHLETES claiming to be poorly with a tummy bug must have a note signed by a parent, officials have confirmed.

Thank god the football's back, says man who refused to watch Women's Euros

FINALLY there is football on again, according to a man who avoided the women's European Championships.

Men 'not really equipped to do sport'

QUESTIONS have been raised as to whether men's sport should be given equal coverage to women's sport.

Mourinho unveils schedule for extensive pre-season ego trip

JOSE Mourinho has revealed plans for a summer tour of his monumental self-regard.

Dreadful American defiles Wimbledon with his ghastly skill

WIMBLEDON has been defiled, perhaps forever, by the vulgar skill and strength of some dreadful American who probably eats with his hands.

Wimbledon crowd cheers as Murray's opponent mauled by bear

WIMBLEDON fans rejoiced as Andrew Murray's opponent was attacked by a brown bear, it has emerged.