Wimbledon provides welcome distraction from end of world

WIMBLEDON fortnight has begun amid sunshine and the imminent collapse of everything.

English women better at football than English men

ENGLISH men are not as good at playing football as English women, it has been confirmed.

Liverpool fans hail player they've never heard of as saviour

ROBERTO Firmino is the man to fire Liverpool to the Premier League title, according to supporters who only learned his name yesterday.

Man United to buy Gary Neville-themed hotel

MANCHESTER United is to purchase a luxury hotel themed around former right-back Gary Neville.

Original Fifa movie script accidentally shredded before FBI visit

THE original script for the new Fifa movie was accidentally destroyed just before FBI investigators arrived at the organisation’s headquarters.

Lazy bastard has strong opinions about women’s football

WOMEN cannot play football, a plump and uncoordinated man has claimed.

Traces of FIFA found on 80 per cent of banknotes

FOUR in every five banknotes has been used for an illegal payment by FIFA, investigators have confirmed.

Fifa unveils new design for corner flags

FIFA has unveiled a ground-breaking new set of design standards for football pitch corner flags.