SWIMMER Michael Phelps has admitted winning his Olympic medals while drunk on home-brewed hooch.
NEWCASTLE manager Alan Pardew has ignored enquiries about the huge sword suspended point-down above him by a single thread.
MANCHESTER United fans are communicating anything that pops into their heads via plane banners.
RYDER Cup fans have been warned that golf is a boring pastime for twats.
STEVEN Gerrard is responsible not only for Liverpool’s poor start to the season but all war, disease and famine, it has been claimed.
INVESTORS have withdrawn a bid for Tottenham Hotspur after seeing them in action.
AMERICAN investor Stan Kroenke is treating Arsenal like some sort of investment, according to angry fans.
UK-BASED fans of American football are to be allowed to openly discuss the sport for one day.