Sport

Cambridge experts prove England can still qualify

ENGLAND can qualify for the second round of the World Cup if the remaining group games are played in a 12-dimensional universe.

Expanded Stamford Bridge could fit up to two Mourinhos

CHELSEA have announced plans to double their stadium's Jose Mourinho capacity.

Uruguay prepare to face La Negritos Inglaterra

THE Uruguay team known to fans as La Familia Negritos are preparing for tonight’s clash in the Negrito World Cup.

England have mountain to climb in poor piece of scheduling

FOLLOWING defeat by Italy, the England football team now faces an ill-timed trek up Brazil's tallest mountain.

England to use football film tactics

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson is devising new strategies based on films including Escape to Victory and Bend It Like Beckham.

England psychologist dislocates mind

THE England football team's sports psychologist Steve Peters has dislocated his cerebral cortex while celebrating the equaliser against Italy.

Colourful football boots prove humanity is doomed

THE kaleidoscopic football boots worn in the World Cup are a clear sign that our civilisation is in its last days, experts have agreed.

England pitch fungus rearranges itself to spell out ‘Malvinas’

THE England team must overcome a hostile fungus which has invaded their pitch and backs Argentina’s claim over the Falklands.