Joey Barton 'based personality on Swayze in Road House'

FOOTBALLER Joey Barton has confessed to stealing his philosophising tough guy persona from the lead character in the 1989 movie Road House.

The film, regarded as a cult classic, stars Swayze as a professional nightclub bouncer and is famous for lines including ‘Nobody ever wins a fight,’ and ‘Be nice until its time not to be nice’.

QPR player Barton apparently saw the film on Channel 5 while at the Sporting Chance clinic and realised he could belt as many people as he liked if he came out with a few supposedly deep statements in between.

He said: It started at City when I got a red card and told the lads, Take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee and hell drop like a stone.

I thought theyd know it from the film, but Stuart Pearce nodded slowly like Id said something really wise and I realised I could get away with this.

You should have seen Alan Shearers face when I said I used to fuck guys like you in prison’. Although thinking back on it I’m not sure whether that was anger or mild arousal.”

QPR manager Mark Hughes said: Like most men, the only Patrick Swayze film Ive seen is Point Break so I thought Joey was quoting proper philosophers like Plato and Decartes.

The news is going to hit DJ Campbell the hardest, though. Hes just had Marcus Aurelius saying Pain dont hurt tattooed on his leg.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

I referred to my boss as a flatulent twatlord when talking to one of my colleagues the other day and unfortunately she was standing right behind me. She seems to have taken it on the chin, but I’ve been nervous about going home because my boss also happens to be my wife. Shall I just pack a bag?

Simon
Rutland

Dear Simon,

I think bosses and teachers must be quite similar because my teacher, Mrs Dodkins, wasn’t delighted when someone wrote ‘Shirley Dodkins is a boss-eyed spunk badger’ on the whiteboard in huge red letters. She was even more distressed by the revelation that the jibe was written in indelible marker, meaning that, six weeks later, the phrase has inadvertently become a kind of class motto, daily emblazoning the space above Mrs Dodkins’ head as she recites the five times table. But some kind soul has also jazzed up the corner of the slogan with a tiny bum doing a poo, so all in all it really is a thought-provoking piece.

Hope that helps!
Holly

Next story ›