Sport

This is us trying our hardest, say England players

ENGLAND players have hit back at their critics insisting they are simply not very good at football.

Football agents return to hibernation

AFTER a summer of frenzied activity, football agents have returned to their slumber on huge piles of money.

Brian Sewell's transfer window round-up

NOTHING would have induced me to flee to Manchester, not even £16m.

Transfer window day made a bank holiday

THE closing of the football transfer window has been made a public holiday, because no work gets done that day anyway.

Wenger lifts calcium ban

ARSENE Wenger has reluctantly re-introduced calcium to his team's diet after Olivier Giroud broke a tibia.

Zombie Celtic killed with fire

NK MARIBOR has finally put an end to Celtic's Champions League campaign by removing its players' heads and burning their remains.

Man United to become MK Mancs

FOLLOWING the successful example of MK Dons, Manchester United is to set up in the same town under the name MK Mancs.

United to play rest of season behind closed doors

MANCHESTER United has banned all spectators because they're putting off the players.