Sport
Carroll starts against Newcastle to remind him of his job
ANDY Carroll will play for Liverpool against Newcastle this weekend in the hope it will trigger memories of his former behaviour.
Hoddle to be reincarnated as England manager
GLENN Hoddle is planning to end his own life, ride the wheel of karma
and return to this world as the manager of the England football team.
Celtic to sneer at grubby stadium
CELTIC fans will replace sectarian chants with derogatory comments about furnishings at this weekend’s Old Firm derby.
Team GB safe from angry bulls
BRITAIN'S Olympic team need have no fear of rampaging bulls, it has been confirmed.
'Next up - fire', say Welsh
WALES will use its Grand Slam victory as a spur to tackle its eternal adversary, fire.
Chelsea in relegation bid to help Torres
CHELSEA will make an audacious bid to get relegated in an attempt to keep Fernando Torres on the scoresheet.
European football takes plastic cover off sofa
THE exit of Manchester from European competition has allowed for the removal of plastic sofa covers and the appearance of the good cutlery.
Premier league boss claims China stole egg foo yung from Sheffield
THE chairman of the premier league last night accused China of stealing
great British recipes like egg foo yung and Szechuan chicken.