Sport

Football car parks brace themselves

ENGLAND’S football-related car parks are hoping for their chance to shine as the transfer window closes today.

Magneto wreaks havoc at Paralympics

MAGNETO has destroyed the Olympic Stadium, after becoming convinced that the Paralympics is a gathering of superheroes.

Joey Barton to leave Joey Barton

QUEENS Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton is to part company with himself at the end of the month, by mutual consent.

Sport minister unveils hierarchy of heroism

THE government has produced an official chart ranking sportspeople according to their level of heroism, to help fans perplexed by this year’s Euros, Olympics and Paralympics.

Hopes rise that cycling will now be banned

THE Lance Armstrong drug scandal has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

Martin Jol in morality expectation confusion

MARTIN Jol is to be sat  sat down and have the last 50 years of football explained to him, the FA has confirmed.

Van Persie out for rest of season after Ferguson shouted at him

ROBIN Van Persie is expected to be out for at least nine months after some very loud shouting by Sir Alex Ferguson.

Football season credited with feel-bad factor

THE start of the Premier League season has renewed  Britain's sense of worthlessness and pessimism.