UK hails most middle class day of sport ever

BRITAIN has enjoyed its most polite day of sport since records began. 

Fuleco kidnapped by former World Cup mascots

THE 2014 World Cup mascot is being held for ransom by former mascots Pique the jalapeno and Gauchito.

Mark Cavendish to continue Tour in car

INJURED Tour de France sprinter Mark Cavendish has announced that he will continue the race in his 2006 Renault Clio.

Are Lineker's shirts the tightest in football history?

GARY Lineker’s form-hugging shirts have been hailed as the tightest ever worn by a football presenter.

This World Cup has nothing on 1954, say football hipsters

FOOTBALL hipsters have dismissed suggestions that the current World Cup is the greatest of all time, insisting that it is vastly inferior to Switzerland ’54.

Americans 'must be kept away from football'

THE international community is working to stop America getting into football and beating everyone.

Xenophobes tested by World Cup

LATTER stages of the World Cup have forced bigots to become more inventive in their national prejudices.

International conspiracy against Uruguay exposed

A DECADES-LONG conspiracy to discredit Uruguay and their star player Luis Suarez has been revealed.