WAYNE Rooney is the England squad's bitter and needy dad substitute, it has been confirmed.
ENGLAND football manager Roy Hodgson has attacked San Marino for sneaking a professional onto the field.
THE Premier League is talking about upping sticks and starting a new life in America.
FOOTBALL fans have been warned against mocking first century stonecutter Marinus of Arbe as England prepares to face San Marino.
SWIMMER Michael Phelps has admitted winning his Olympic medals while drunk on home-brewed hooch.
NEWCASTLE manager Alan Pardew has ignored enquiries about the huge sword suspended point-down above him by a single thread.
MANCHESTER United fans are communicating anything that pops into their heads via plane banners.
RYDER Cup fans have been warned that golf is a boring pastime for twats.