Sport

Bale scores 85 million goals

GARETH Bale has repaid his new owners Real Madrid by scoring an incredible 85,000,001 goals in his first game for the club.

Football is cheaper if you don’t bother, says survey

RESEARCHERS have found that completely ignoring football is significantly cheaper than paying attention to it.

Being English only motivates for 45 minutes

THE England football team has admitted that a fierce sense of national pride is only good for about three-quarters of an hour.

Tokyo Olympics to include Takeshi's Castle

THE 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo will test athletes to their physical limits by including High Rollers, Bridge Ball, and Skipping Stones.

Bale not allowed on pitch at same time as other players

INSURERS have banned Carlo Ancelotti from picking Gareth Bale in case he gets broken.

North West particularly unbearable

TRAVELLERS have been warned that large areas of North West England are currently more awful than normal.

Arsenal pays £5.5 million for parallel universe Ronaldo

ARSENAL has signed Portuguese striker Ronaldo from a parallel Earth for the bargain price of £5.5m.