AFTER yet another failed attempt to reach the quarter-finals of the Champions League, British clubs have concluded they do not exist.
SUNDERLAND wowed fans with their unique brand of no-touch football during a 4-0 home defeat to Aston Villa.
MANCHESTER United's Wayne Rooney flouted the first two rules of Fight Club by releasing a video of him being knocked out by Phil Bardsley.
CYCLISTS have been told to take proper drugs because that might make their sport vaguely interesting.
POLICE are trying to identify 11 men dressed in claret and blue shirts who invaded the pitch at Villa Park and played effective attacking football.
FIVE-year-olds are playing 'Dodge the Taxman' in the playground in a bid to emulate their sporting role models.
ENGLAND cricket management have hinted that WG Grace could be recalled to the international scene.
JOSE Mourinho has accused the FA, UEFA, FIFA, and the security services of portraying him as some kind of conspiracy theorist.