Sport

Champions League quarter finals 'are an ancient myth'

AFTER yet another failed attempt to reach the quarter-finals of the Champions League, British clubs have concluded they do not exist.

Sunderland in dazzling display of no-touch football

SUNDERLAND wowed fans with their unique brand of no-touch football during a 4-0 home defeat to Aston Villa.

Rooney breaks first two rules of Fight Club

MANCHESTER United's Wayne Rooney flouted the first two rules of Fight Club by releasing a video of him being knocked out by Phil Bardsley.

Cyclists told to take proper drugs

CYCLISTS have been told to take proper drugs because that might make their sport vaguely interesting.

Suspiciously talented footballers invade pitch at Villa Park

POLICE are trying to identify 11 men dressed in claret and blue shirts who invaded the pitch at Villa Park and played effective attacking football.

Sporting heroes inspiring children to avoid tax

FIVE-year-olds are playing 'Dodge the Taxman' in the playground in a bid to emulate their sporting role models.

England door still open for WG Grace

ENGLAND cricket management have hinted that WG Grace could be recalled to the international scene.

Mourinho alleges plot to make him look like a paranoid lunatic

JOSE Mourinho has accused the FA, UEFA, FIFA, and the security services of portraying him as some kind of conspiracy theorist.