Ipswich Town finds manager to keep morale low

MICK McCarthy has been given the awful job of managing Ipswich Town after proving to be impressively funereal.

Chelsea FC gets nuclear weapons

ROMAN Abramovich has bought the Trident weapons system as part of a plan to shore up Chelsea's defences.

Stamford Bridge 'makes people racist'

CHELSEA football stadium emits a form of radiation that makes people horribly racist, it has been confirmed.

Frankel switching to snooker

THE greatest racehorse of all time is to become a professional snooker player.

Kick football out of racism campaign launched

CAMPAIGNERS are demanding that footballers stop dragging their overpaid pastime into their bigotry.

People paying to watch football

YOU have to pay to get into football matches, according to new research.

Rooney 'still has hunger'

WAYNE Rooney has hit back at criticism of modern English footballers, saying he still has a massive appetite.