Rooney is England's dysfunctional father figure

WAYNE Rooney is the England squad's bitter and needy dad substitute, it has been confirmed.

San Marino blasted for playing ringer

ENGLAND football manager Roy Hodgson has attacked San Marino for sneaking a professional onto the field.

Premier League fantasising about moving abroad

THE Premier League is talking about upping sticks and starting a new life in America.

Police ban anti-San Marino demonstrations

FOOTBALL fans have been warned against mocking first century stonecutter Marinus of Arbe as England prepares to face San Marino.

I swim drunk all the time, says Phelps

SWIMMER Michael Phelps has admitted winning his Olympic medals while drunk on home-brewed hooch.

Alan Pardew refuses to discuss giant looming sword

NEWCASTLE manager Alan Pardew has ignored enquiries about the huge sword suspended point-down above him by a single thread.

Manchester United fans using plane banners for idle chit chat

MANCHESTER United fans are communicating anything that pops into their heads via plane banners.

Golf ‘not good’

RYDER Cup fans have been warned that golf is a boring pastime for twats.