Sport

Ferguson and Mancini to hold derby on the astral plane

NEXT week's Manchester derby has been cancelled in favour of a titanic psychic battle between the two managers.

Even Chelsea fans a bit disappointed

CHELSEA fans last night admitted they had been looking forward to a Barcelona-Real Madrid Champions League final.

Ecclestone unveils Auschwitz grand prix

BERNIE Ecclestone has unveiled plans for a Formula One car pointing session through the grounds of Auschwitz.

Norwich fan to be burned as witch

TEENAGE Norwich City fan Chris Brown is to be burned at the stake for dabbling in the dark arts of electricity.

'We're ready to piss on ourselves'

THOUSANDS of determined runners are preparing to urinate in their pants at this weekend's London Marathon.

Referee declares Chelsea winners of the Superbowl

REFEREE Martin Atkinson has announced that Chelsea Rovers won their game in straight sets yesterday.

It's not that much fun, say horses

HORSE racing is okay if you are in the mood, horses said last night.

Comolli resigns after winning Nigerian lottery

DAMIEN Comolli has resigned from his post of chief moneyburner at Liverpool FC after winning $40 million via email.