NEXT week's Manchester derby has been cancelled in favour of a titanic psychic battle between the two managers.
CHELSEA fans last night admitted they had been looking forward to a Barcelona-Real Madrid Champions League final.
BERNIE Ecclestone has unveiled plans for a Formula One car pointing session through the grounds of Auschwitz.
TEENAGE Norwich City fan Chris Brown is to be burned at the stake for dabbling in the dark arts of electricity.
THOUSANDS of determined runners are preparing to urinate in their pants at this weekend's London Marathon.
REFEREE Martin Atkinson has announced that Chelsea Rovers won their game in straight sets yesterday.
HORSE racing is okay if you are in the mood, horses said last night.
DAMIEN Comolli has resigned from his post of chief moneyburner at Liverpool FC after winning $40 million via email.