Football confirmed as a team sport

WINNING at football requires eleven good players, experts have confirmed.

Relief as easily-stereotyped nation wins World Cup

FOOTBALL fans and pundits have expressed relief that World Cup discussion can focus on joyless efficiency.

Military defeat by Britain key to World Cup success

BEING beaten by Britain in a military conflict is the secret to winning the World Cup, it has been claimed.

Chris Froome rebooted after crash

CYCLIST Chris Froome has been turned off, left for 30 seconds and turned back on again.

Froome takes lead on Eurostar stage of Tour

CHRIS Froome has snatched the lead in the Tour de France after successfully elbowing his way to the front of the Eurostar queue.

UK hails most middle class day of sport ever

BRITAIN has enjoyed its most polite day of sport since records began. 

Fuleco kidnapped by former World Cup mascots

THE 2014 World Cup mascot is being held for ransom by former mascots Pique the jalapeno and Gauchito.

Mark Cavendish to continue Tour in car

INJURED Tour de France sprinter Mark Cavendish has announced that he will continue the race in his 2006 Renault Clio.