Sport

Dalglish to rejoin Liverpool forward line

KENNY Dalglish has signed for Liverpool, boosting both morale and their ineffective strike force.

Hooves to ensure fairness in Paralympic sprinting

OSCAR Pistorius' complaints about prosthetic blades have triggered the introduction of compulsory strap-on hooves in Paralympic running.

Football car parks brace themselves

ENGLAND’S football-related car parks are hoping for their chance to shine as the transfer window closes today.

Magneto wreaks havoc at Paralympics

MAGNETO has destroyed the Olympic Stadium, after becoming convinced that the Paralympics is a gathering of superheroes.

Joey Barton to leave Joey Barton

QUEENS Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton is to part company with himself at the end of the month, by mutual consent.

Sport minister unveils hierarchy of heroism

THE government has produced an official chart ranking sportspeople according to their level of heroism, to help fans perplexed by this year’s Euros, Olympics and Paralympics.

Hopes rise that cycling will now be banned

THE Lance Armstrong drug scandal has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

Martin Jol in morality expectation confusion

MARTIN Jol is to be sat  sat down and have the last 50 years of football explained to him, the FA has confirmed.