Sport

Chelsea in relegation bid to help Torres

CHELSEA will make an audacious bid to get relegated in an attempt to keep Fernando Torres on the scoresheet.

European football takes plastic cover off sofa

THE exit of Manchester from European competition has allowed for the removal of plastic sofa covers and the appearance of the good cutlery.

Premier league boss claims China stole egg foo yung from Sheffield

THE chairman of the premier league last night accused China of stealing great British recipes like egg foo yung and Szechuan chicken.

Irishman hot favourite to be drunkest person at Cheltenham

MARTIN O'Hanlon, a 38 year-old from Kerry, is the bookies' choice for champion drinker at the Cheltenham Festival.

City fans prepare for annual hope crushing

MANCHESTER City may still manage to utterly ruin their fans' summer after losing to a team costing less than Mario Balotelli's firework holster.

Bale has inner-ear problem, says Redknapp

HARRY Redknapp has defended Gareth Bale’s precarious goalmouth balance, claiming the midfielder has an inner-ear issue.

Chelsea hires Supernanny

TV strop-wrangler Jo Frost will manage Chelsea until it behaves itself.

Lampard shows Luiz his special birthmark

FRANK Lampard has reminded David Luiz of the ancient prophecy that proclaims him the One True Lord Of Stamford Bridge.