Sport

Sport minister unveils hierarchy of heroism

THE government has produced an official chart ranking sportspeople according to their level of heroism, to help fans perplexed by this year’s Euros, Olympics and Paralympics.

Hopes rise that cycling will now be banned

THE Lance Armstrong drug scandal has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

Martin Jol in morality expectation confusion

MARTIN Jol is to be sat  sat down and have the last 50 years of football explained to him, the FA has confirmed.

Van Persie out for rest of season after Ferguson shouted at him

ROBIN Van Persie is expected to be out for at least nine months after some very loud shouting by Sir Alex Ferguson.

Football season credited with feel-bad factor

THE start of the Premier League season has renewed  Britain's sense of worthlessness and pessimism.

International handball ticket sales sluggish

ONLY five tickets have been sold for a major handball tournament, it has emerged.

United now uninsurable

MANCHESTER United are now virtually uninsurable after the signing of splintery striker Robin Van Persie.

Giant pandas revealed as new owners of Rangers

EDINBURGH'S giant pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang have bought Rangers FC.