Sport

Rooney rewarded for unstinting loyalty

MANCHESTER United has made Wayne Rooney its new captain as reward for his unswerving dedication to the club.

Chelsea somehow the underdogs against Burnley

JOSE Mourinho’s Chelsea will be the plucky minnows when they visit newly promoted Burnley.

Hoddle hoping to get a game at QPR

GLENN Hoddle believes that signing to QPR will result in his getting a regular midfield run-out.

Celtic awards bullshit goals to fictional player

CELTIC has invented a fictional hero to take credit for the three goals it never scored.

League title to be awarded to most insane manager

THE Premier League title will be given to the team whose manager is the biggest lunatic, it has emerged.

McIlroy must slay Grendel

RORY McIlroy must fight a legendary monster before being granted entry to golf's hall of heroes.

Van Gaal finally delivers the trophy that counts

LOUIS van Gaal has cemented his status as the greatest manager in Manchester United’s history by winning the coveted Guinness International Champions Cup.

Premier League teams staying in America

THE Premier League clubs touring the USA have informed their fans they prefer it over there and they're not coming back.