Sport

England have mountain to climb in poor piece of scheduling

FOLLOWING defeat by Italy, the England football team now faces an ill-timed trek up Brazil's tallest mountain.

England to use football film tactics

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson is devising new strategies based on films including Escape to Victory and Bend It Like Beckham.

England psychologist dislocates mind

THE England football team's sports psychologist Steve Peters has dislocated his cerebral cortex while celebrating the equaliser against Italy.

Colourful football boots prove humanity is doomed

THE kaleidoscopic football boots worn in the World Cup are a clear sign that our civilisation is in its last days, experts have agreed.

England pitch fungus rearranges itself to spell out ‘Malvinas’

THE England team must overcome a hostile fungus which has invaded their pitch and backs Argentina’s claim over the Falklands.

Narrative of entire World Cup decided

EVERYONE has decided how the World Cup is going to progress based on last night's opening game.

John Motson tweeting nude selfies again

VETERAN football commentator John Motson has once again posted sexually explicit images of himself on social media.

Brazil completely forgot about opening ceremony

THE World Cup opening ceremony has been thrown together at the last minute after Brazil admitted it forgot.