DIMITAR Berbatov will spend the next eight months sipping absinthe from a jade goblet after completing his 90 minutes of effort for the season.
A DEMENTED albino billionaire is threatening to beam images of a rutting Wayne Rooney into every home on Earth unless he is handed control of the world's nuclear arsenal.
RICKY Hatton has insisted that the whole sport of boxing is geared toward cocaine use, right down to its ruinous affects on nasal septums.
MANCHESTER United fans were celebrating last night after Wayne Rooney ended a six year prostitute revelation drought.
SPRINTER Usain Bolt has indicated his intention to do your job much, much better than you ever could after first breaking every athletics record in the world.
ENGLAND fans gathering in London ahead of tonight's qualifying game against Bulgaria have been involved in running battles with the capital's Womble population.
CRICKETERS across England have urged match-fixers to contact them the next time they need somebody to be shit at bowling.