Sport

Hamilton torn over whose cars to crash

LEWIS Hamilton is facing a dilemma over which team's cars he is going to smash into a wall, it has emerged.

Nobody comes to see Hodgson any more

ENGLAND players are making increasingly-implausible excuses for not seeing Roy Hodgson at his FA retirement bungalow.

Dalglish to rejoin Liverpool forward line

KENNY Dalglish has signed for Liverpool, boosting both morale and their ineffective strike force.

Hooves to ensure fairness in Paralympic sprinting

OSCAR Pistorius' complaints about prosthetic blades have triggered the introduction of compulsory strap-on hooves in Paralympic running.

Football car parks brace themselves

ENGLAND’S football-related car parks are hoping for their chance to shine as the transfer window closes today.

Magneto wreaks havoc at Paralympics

MAGNETO has destroyed the Olympic Stadium, after becoming convinced that the Paralympics is a gathering of superheroes.

Joey Barton to leave Joey Barton

QUEENS Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton is to part company with himself at the end of the month, by mutual consent.

Sport minister unveils hierarchy of heroism

THE government has produced an official chart ranking sportspeople according to their level of heroism, to help fans perplexed by this year’s Euros, Olympics and Paralympics.