Next Reading boss to be abstract concept

THE shortlist for the new Reading manager includes ennui, empathy and a sense of unfulfillable longing.

Cheltenham Festival crowds have absolutely no idea what is going on

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that horse racing is incomprehensible.

Ferguson able to receive visitors

A DISTRAUGHT Alex Ferguson is slowly recovering from his attack of the vapours.

Bradford celebrates better season than Arsenal

BRADFORD City celebrated its 5-0 thrashing yesterday by comparing its season to Arsenal’s.

Liverpool's season written by Ken Loach

LIVERPOOL’S fairytale adventure in Europe was scripted by Ken Loach, the club has revealed.

Footballers may be intelligent enough to fix matches

FOOTBALLERS have become sentient enough to cheat properly, it has been claimed.

Government to apply its magic touch to football

ENGLISH football could soon be as impressive as everything else that is run by the government, it has emerged.