Sport

Chelsea-Man U 'a great advert for atheism'

SUPPORTERS of every other team in the country say the 3-3 match at Stamford Bridge yesterday was definitive proof of a godless universe.

Capello advised not to select anybody

FABIO Capello has been asked to submit an empty team sheet for Euro 2012 to avoid selecting gits.

Transfer window round-up, with Brian Sewell

JANUARY is traditionally the month in which my friends and I assess our collections to see which pieces are surplus to requirement and arrange an auction at the Garrick.

Andy Carroll listed on Ebay

LIVERPOOL has placed former striker Andy Carroll on the auction site Ebay with a reserve price of 99p.

Evra gets 24-hour protection from cheeky Scouse wit

PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

Police investigate allegations of reasonable criticism

CHELSEA fans are being investigated after several were reportedly heard making balanced, cogent points about opposition players.

Critics disguised themselves as players, says Warnock

NEIL Warnock has blamed critics for his dismissal, claiming they posed as opposition footballers that kept beating his team.

Spurs fan to wake up in a damp bed

THE Tottenham Hotspur fan whose dream we are all part of will wake soon, blinking this universe out of existence, experts have claimed.