Sport
Gerrard Hails Progress As House Burns To Ground
STEVEN Gerrard feels his living situation is heading in the right direction after his house finally stopped burning to the ground.
Brazil Has Better Class Of Rubbish Heap Death Squad, Says Homesick Robinho
THE ruthless death squads that roam the rubbish heaps of Manchester are not as good as the ones in Brazil, Man City striker Robinho said last night.
Tevez Rewarded With Entire Deer Carcass
CARLOS Tevez was rewarded for his two goals against Manchester United last night with an entire deer carcass all to himself.
Ferguson In Furious Row With Own Reflection
SIR ALEX Ferguson has ordered all the mirrors to be removed from Old Trafford following a blazing row with his own reflection.
Campbell Moves To Arsenal For The Peace And Quiet
SOL Campbell has returned to Arsenal for a bit of peace and quiet, his agent said last night.
Liverpool Squad Down To Four Players
RAFAEL Benitez last night said he had cleared out the dead wood from the Liverpool squad, leaving him with the four players he really needs.
Sky Sports Promises Decade Of Relentlessly Overhyped Bullshit
BROADCASTER Sky TV last night outlined its plans to be the number one provider of inexplicable sporting hyperbole well into the next decade.
Rugby Fabulous
AN emotional rugby last night declared itself fabulous.