Tevez demands bigger cage

MANCHESTER City cheese-before-bedtime nightmare Carlos Tevez has rocked fans by asking for a larger pen.

Australia to recall booze and strippers

AUSTRALIA is to recall booze, strippers and late night hotel carnage to its humiliated Ashes squad.

Newcastle Replace Hughton With 1972 Magpie Annual

NEWCASTLE United owner Mike Ashley yesterday predicted a new golden age for the club after replacing manager Chris Hughton with a battered copy of the 1972 Magpie annual.

Ashes Fans Unable To Distinguish Dreams From Reality

BLEARY-eyed cricket fans are currently living in a confusing, surreal dreamscape where England know what they are doing.

England 2026 bid to be based on bribes and poison

ENGLAND'S bid for the 2026 World Cup will focus less on youth development and stadia and more on backhanders and polonium sandwiches, it has been confirmed.

Brian Sewell's World Cup Voting Guide

THE man who comes once a week to trim my hedge is most animated by the prospect of which nation will host the football World Cup that coincides with the 500th anniversary of Raphael's overpowering vision of St Michael vanquishing Satan.

Premiership Reaches New Heights Of Epic 110 Percentness

THE Premier League has seen its biggest weekend of epic, 110 percent giving since it was scraped off a wart on Rupert Murdoch's back.

FA Investigates Deliberate Almunia

THE Football Association is to investgate claims that Arsenal have staged a deliberate Manuel Almunia.