Sport

Angry Scotsman to be released into community

BRITAIN faces the prospect of yet another unemployed, angry Scottish person at large.

Newcastle apply for voluntary relegation

NEWCASTLE have volunteered to be relegated from the Premier League, following their 6-0 defeat at home to Liverpool.

Goal-line technology to bring universal justice

NEW goal-line technology is to be used in everyday life to create a more just world.

Horse-catapulting placates Grand National crowd

THE organisers of the Grand National have catapulted a horse into the side of a building to compensate for this year's lack of fatalities.

Kim Jong Un to manage Carlisle United

CARLISLE United has installed North Korean tactical genius Kim Jong Un as manager.

Formula One launches race unfixing probe

F1 BOSSES have launched an investigation after a race somehow became unfixed.