Sport

BARTON!

From the darkest corners of your nightmares, this season's biggest frightfest is... BARTON!

Premier League subdues fevered nation

POLICE last night thanked the Premier League for lulling an over-excited Britain back to sleep.

Riot police to enlist football fans

SATURDAY'S football fixtures will go ahead after police agreed to issue every spectator with a riot shield and a stick.

Wenger throws Fabregas' clothes into garden

NEIGHBOURS of Arsenal have called the police after Arsene Wenger had a screaming argument with Cesc Fabregas in the early hours of the morning.

Clubs line up to tell Barton to do one

NEWCASTLE United have admitted they have been deluged with offers from clubs wanting to show Joey Barton exactly where the sun does not shine.

Indians allowed into pavilion bar

ENGLAND have rewarded India's act of noble savagery by admitting them to the Trent Bridge bar to drink amongst gentlemen.

Bedside vigil for ball victim Hernandez

A DEVASTATED Manchester United squad have begun a round the clock vigil at bedside of team mate, Javier Hernandez after a football hit his little face.

India demand bigger bats

ENGLAND has questioned the ICC's decision to give them small plastic children's bats for the second test on Friday.