Hodgson convinced England have won Euro 2012

ROY Hodgson has congratulated his side for winning Euro 2012 after misunderstanding how the tournament works.

Nalbandian signs as Rooney's petulance-trainer

WAYNE Rooney has recruited David Nalbandian to give him tips on lashing out ahead of Tuesday’s match against Ukraine.

Football cameramen threaten 'sexy woman' strike

TECHNICAL staff covering Euro 2012 have asked for more pay to continue filming attractive female spectators.

French teach English meaning of 'ennui'

ENGLAND’S opening Euro 2012 game against France has taught fans what cheroot­-smoking philosophers have been going on about all these years.

Middle-aged executive announced as 100m Olympic champion

PAUNCHY company director and Olympic sponsor Stephen Malley is the world's fastest sprinter, it has emerged.

Inconsiderate park football ruins 5,000 picnics

THE inconsiderate park football season got off to a flying start this weekend, with a record number of picnics ruined.

Wembley to trial cliché-detecting technology

A NEW type of predictable pundit platitude software is to be tested at England's forthcoming game against Belgium.

Terry dedicates Champions League win to himself

JOHN Terry's single-handed capture of the Champions League trophy was especially for John Terry, it has emerged.