Sport

Ferguson absolutely does not call for linesmen to be 'disappeared'

SIR Alex Ferguson has made it clear he in no way advocates having officials who displease him disappear without trace.

Adebayor to bring starving child to contract negotiations

EMMANUEL Adebayor will ask Harry Redknapp to tell a Togolese orphan that his wage demands are unreasonable.

England rugby team English

ENGLAND'S rugby union squad is full of English people, according to leaked documents.

Hollywood to film 'Premier League Burning'

HOLYWOOD is to remake Mississippi Burning set in a variety of premier league football grounds.

Brian Sewell's Euro 2012 playoff round-up

NEXT year I shall be reviving the lost tradition of the Grand Tour Of Europe, with my route taking me to every town in which Lord Byron managed to impregnate a member of the local aristocracy.

England expected to find cancer cure by January

THE England team is now expected to eradicate all disease over the next three months, it has been confirmed.

Tevez turns over a new suspension

CARLOS Tevez has vowed to get back to being an utter tool for his club, it emerged last night.

Olympic Games cancelled

LONDON'S 2012 Olympics has been cancelled after Lord Coe decided it wasn't really what he wanted to do with his life.