Sport

Vettel Celebrates By Fingering Girl In Car Park

SEBASTIAN Vettel marked becoming the youngest F1 champion ever by embarking on a marathon knucklefish session behind KFC.

Barton Apologises For Not Punching Allardyce In The Kidneys

NEWCASTLE'S Joey Barton has issued a public apology after failing to assault Sam Allardyce on Sunday.

Drogba Bitten By Large-Breasted Mosquito

DIDIER Drogba has contracted malaria after a one night stand with a former mosquito glamour model.

Hodgson Apologises To Chelsea Pensioners

LIVERPOOL manager Roy Hodgson fears he will never be invited to another Sunday afternoon tea dance after his team's victory over Chelsea.

Gareth Bale Sold To San Diego Zoo

TOTTENHAM'S Gareth Bale is to become the star attraction in a Californian zoo, it was confirmed last night.

Redknapp Threatens Ban On Cliched, Platitudinous Bullshit

HARRY Redknapp has threatened a blackout of worthless, instantly forgettable post-match comments which ultimately demean both him and you.

England Primitive, Say Potato Gangsters

ENGLAND'S 2018 World Cup bid is 'primitive' according to the land of potato gangsters where nothing works.

Owen Out With Ovary Strain

Manchester United striker Michael Owen will be out for six weeks after straining his left ovary.