Sport

Poirot asked to uncover significance of Fifa corruption thing

HERCULE Poirot has been asked to deduce why that thing in the news about Fifa matters in the slightest.

Capello sends Owen highlights DVD

FABIO Capello has responded to Michael Owen questioning his exile from the England squad by burning him a DVD of the last five years of his career.

Relegations fail to reduce football

TEAMS relegated on the final day of the Premier League season will only be replaced by different ones, it has emerged.

Brian Sewell's guide to the relegation battle

WITH the Premier League season about to climax over the nation's grateful visage, one's thoughts turn to those for whomst shame and sorrow will become constant companions.

Olympic flame to terrify Wales

WALES is to come face to face with fire on a stick.

It's a right old pram-and-elbow, say West Ham fans

WEST Ham supporters have admitted that the entire season has been a proper roast tomato.

Neil Lennon attacked by geese

CELTIC manager Neil Lennon was recovering last night after a frenzied goose attack.

United flail closer to not-losing title

MANCHESTER United can nearly claim to be the least incompetent team of the year.