Sport

India demand bigger bats

ENGLAND has questioned the ICC's decision to give them small plastic children's bats for the second test on Friday.

Daley hoping Olympic pool has been filled

TOM Daley will today make the first dive into the new Olympic pool that he really hopes someone has remembered to fill with water.

Government to buy Tevez for the nation

THE government has tabled an ambitious £50m bid to preserve Carlos Tevez for the entire nation.

Adebayor asks Spurs to move to the midlands

HARRY Redknapp is reconsidering a loan move for Emmanuel Adebayor after the Man City striker said moving to London seemed like a faff.

Smoker wins at sport

DARREN Clarke celebrated his Open victory last night with another batch of top quality tobacco.

Mancini to buy entire Arsenal squad for a laugh

ROBERTO Mancini will purchase every member of Arsenal's squad, with the obvious exception of Eboue, just to see the look on Arsene Wenger's face.

GB Olympic failure to be blamed on politeness

BRITISH athletes are far too nice to try and win things, according to turtle-faced coach Sir Clive Woodward.

Eboué puts his feet up and reads paper

ARSENE Wenger has been warned by his last remaining player, Emmanuelle Eboué, that he never, ever plans to leave.