Sport
Abramovich Forced To Buy Other Types Of Human
CHELSEA owner Roman Abramovich may be forced to buy other types of human being following the club's 18 month transfer ban.
Football Clubs Swap Rubbish Bins
ENGLAND'S football managers spent yesterday rifling through each other's bin bags in the hope of finding something that was not covered in rancid milk and tea leaves.
England Slightly Less Appalling Than Australia
A THRILLING summer of terrible cricket reached its climax yesterday as England regained the Ashes by being marginally less dreadful than Australia.
Athlete To Be Checked For Balls
CASTER Semenya, the big, strong athlete, will today be checked for a pair of balls.
Usain Bolt Spotted In Victorian Photograph
AN inquiry has been launched after the world record breaking sprinter Usain Bolt was spotted in a 135 year-old photograph.
Millions Pretend Football Means Something
MILLIONS of Englishmen have begun their annual ritual of convincing themselves that football is an essential part of who they are.
Men Win Right To Watch Women Have A Sweaty Fight
MEN have won the right to watch two women have a sweaty fight as long as one of them gets to listen to her national anthem at the end.
Australia Offers To Bowl Underarm
AUSTRALIA has offered to bowl underarm for the final Ashes test so they do not have to sit about for two days, waiting to catch their return flight to Sydney.