Red Sox Owner Fulfills Boyhood Passion For Whingeing Thieves

THE owner of the Boston Red Sox has fulfilled a life-long ambition of surrounding himself with thousands of whining bastards who want to steal his car.

Montgomerie Dedicates Ryder Cup Victory To Jesus

EUROPE'S Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie last night said the victory would not have been possible without the love and guidance of Jesus Christ.

Woods Has Sex With Dirty Mermaids

GOLFING intercourse monster Tiger Woods has taken advantage of the wet weather in Wales by sleeping with a string of underwater prostitutes.

Everton To Employ Chelsea Security Guards

CHELSEA stewards have joined Everton on a loan deal so that suffering fans can be tossed quickly out of the ground when it all gets too awful.

Tour De France Bans Terry-Thomas

TERRY-Thomas has been banned from the Tour de France amid claims of skullduggery and caddishness.

Anfield Built On Indian Burial Ground

LIVERPOOL'S poor start to the season has been traced to an ancient Arapaho curse under the Kop End at Anfield.

Ferguson Sends Photo Of Arse To Scunthorpe Match

SIR Alex Ferguson has been accused of disrespecting the Carling Cup after installing a framed photo of his buttocks on the Manchester United bench.

Millions To Watch Commonwealth Games To See If Something Collapses

MILLIONS of people who had no intention of watching the Commonwealth Games are now eager to tune in just to see if the stadium collapses.