From the darkest corners of your nightmares, this season's biggest frightfest is... BARTON!
POLICE last night thanked the Premier League for lulling an over-excited Britain back to sleep.
SATURDAY'S football fixtures will go ahead after police agreed to issue every spectator with a riot shield and a stick.
NEIGHBOURS of Arsenal have called the police after Arsene Wenger had a screaming argument with Cesc Fabregas in the early hours of the morning.
NEWCASTLE United have admitted they have been deluged with offers from clubs wanting to show Joey Barton exactly where the sun does not shine.
ENGLAND have rewarded India's act of noble savagery by admitting them to the Trent Bridge bar to drink amongst gentlemen.
A DEVASTATED Manchester United squad have begun a round the clock vigil
at bedside of team mate, Javier Hernandez after a football hit his
ENGLAND has questioned the ICC's decision to give them small plastic children's bats for the second test on Friday.