Sport

United raise ticket prices to annoy everyone

MANCHESTER United have confirmed that their £1 ticket price increase was a calculated move based solely on their insatiable desire to annoy.

Carroll to face late homoeroticism test

KENNY Dalglish has confirmed that Andy Carroll is still not a certainty to face a sea of confused-feeling Geordies this Sunday.

Wenger celebrates aesthetic qualities of the number three

ARSENE Wenger has said he has always admired the voluptuous curves of the phrase '3rd place'.

Scottish premier league to award three points for murder

SCOTTISH football's premier league is to award three points for a successful bombing campaign.

Liverpool fans query own penalty

LIVERPOOL fans have appealed to have their own penalty goal overturned.

Giggs deserves knighthood for services to not behaving like a footballer

WAYNE Rooney has led calls for Ryan Giggs to be knighted for devoting 20 years to not behaving like a professional footballer.

Lehmann celebrates win by fighting alligator

MIGHTY goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has marked his return to English football by fighting an alligator in his Gothic mansion.

Tragedy as 21 year-old earns £78,000 for four days work

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.