Van Persie out for rest of season after Ferguson shouted at him

ROBIN Van Persie is expected to be out for at least nine months after some very loud shouting by Sir Alex Ferguson.

Football season credited with feel-bad factor

THE start of the Premier League season has renewed  Britain's sense of worthlessness and pessimism.

International handball ticket sales sluggish

ONLY five tickets have been sold for a major handball tournament, it has emerged.

United now uninsurable

MANCHESTER United are now virtually uninsurable after the signing of splintery striker Robin Van Persie.

Giant pandas revealed as new owners of Rangers

EDINBURGH'S giant pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang have bought Rangers FC.

Nicola Adams now eighth hardest woman in Leeds

NICOLA Adams’ historic gold medal win in the Olympic boxing has seen her edge into the top ten of Leeds hardwomen.

Olympics BMX dilemma as final clashes with tea time

BRITAIN'S 9-year-old Olympics BMX competitor is in turmoil after it emerged the final will take place when he had promised his mum he'd be home for tea.

Olympic Village rife with regimented, goal-based sex

OLYMPIC athletes are engaged in lots of sex, which they see as some sort of physical endurance challenge.