We'd Have Done It For A Tenner, Say Thousands Of Awful Cricketers

CRICKETERS across England have urged match-fixers to contact them the next time they need somebody to be shit at bowling.

Aquilani Loaned To Italian Jigsaw Enthusiast

ALBERTO Aquilani has been loaned to Juventus after manager Luigi Delneri revealed himself to be a keen jigsaw collector.

Newcastle Delusions Invade Reality

THE lunatic fantasy world of Newcastle United supporters has started to manifest itself in this dimension after the club's 6-0 win over Aston Villa.

Which England Footballer Likes To Have Sex With Two Giraffes At The Same Time?

AN ENGLAND footballer has taken out a High Court injunction in a bid to prevent a newspaper revealing their obsession with underage giraffe orgies.

Cole Acclimatises To Liverpool With Criminal Record

JOE Cole continued his bid to acclimatise to life in Liverpool yesterday by appearing before a magistrate.

Welsh Team Signs Truculent Midget

CRAIG Bellamy has completed his loan move from Man City to Cardiff after tests confirmed him to be the Welshest man on the planet.

West Brom To Reform As Jazz Band

WEST Bromwich Albion have abandoned football and are to regroup as a Dixieland jazz band.

Bring On Burundi! Roars Capello

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello feels England could soon compete against the likes of Burundi or even Burkino Faso following last night's demolition of Hungary.