Sport

Ashes loss happened too far away to count

ENGLAND'S reported loss to Australia in The Ashes has been discounted because it took place on the other side of the world.

David Beckham 'can't make new memories'

DAVID Beckham has admitted that his tattoos are visual substitutes for his complete lack of any short-term memory.

Fouling Suarez to become legal

THE FA has confirmed that as of 7pm last night, kicking Luis Suarez is no longer a punishable offence.

West Brom pretty sure new manager will solve all their problems

WEST Bromwich Albion are confident that changing manager will transform them into a top four worldwide football club.

I knew this would happen, says Moyes

MANCHESTER United manager David Moyes said the team’s dismal form is the sort of thing that happens to him all the time.

Stoke City wins Premier League

ALL-CONQUERING glamour club Stoke City are now a mathematical certainty to win the Premier League.

My life as a child flare mule

ONE youth’s account of the novelty explosives trade that is ruining football.

Hodgson finalises World Cup excuses formation

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson has settled on a first eleven excuses for failure at next year's World Cup.