Olympic flame to terrify Wales

WALES is to come face to face with fire on a stick.

It's a right old pram-and-elbow, say West Ham fans

WEST Ham supporters have admitted that the entire season has been a proper roast tomato.

Neil Lennon attacked by geese

CELTIC manager Neil Lennon was recovering last night after a frenzied goose attack.

United flail closer to not-losing title

MANCHESTER United can nearly claim to be the least incompetent team of the year.

United raise ticket prices to annoy everyone

MANCHESTER United have confirmed that their £1 ticket price increase was a calculated move based solely on their insatiable desire to annoy.

Carroll to face late homoeroticism test

KENNY Dalglish has confirmed that Andy Carroll is still not a certainty to face a sea of confused-feeling Geordies this Sunday.

Wenger celebrates aesthetic qualities of the number three

ARSENE Wenger has said he has always admired the voluptuous curves of the phrase '3rd place'.

Scottish premier league to award three points for murder

SCOTTISH football's premier league is to award three points for a successful bombing campaign.