Sport

Rangers pledges sectarianism as usual

MURDEROUS chant enabler Rangers last night pledged financial meltdown will not interfere with all the hating.

Suarez to sing 'I Will Always Love You' to Patrice Evra

THE Football Association has ordered Luis Suarez to sing I Will Always Love You to Manchester United's Patrice Evra on Valentine's Day.

Nick Griffin tipped as England manager

PUNDITS have predicted Nick Griffin will be the next England manager on the basis everyone already hates him anyway.

Capello convicted of tax evasion

TOTTENHAM Hotspur manager Fabio Capello has been convicted of tax evasion relating to payments made when he was manager of Portsmouth FC.

Chelsea-Man U 'a great advert for atheism'

SUPPORTERS of every other team in the country say the 3-3 match at Stamford Bridge yesterday was definitive proof of a godless universe.

Capello advised not to select anybody

FABIO Capello has been asked to submit an empty team sheet for Euro 2012 to avoid selecting gits.

Transfer window round-up, with Brian Sewell

JANUARY is traditionally the month in which my friends and I assess our collections to see which pieces are surplus to requirement and arrange an auction at the Garrick.

Andy Carroll listed on Ebay

LIVERPOOL has placed former striker Andy Carroll on the auction site Ebay with a reserve price of 99p.