Sport

Wenger celebrates aesthetic qualities of the number three

ARSENE Wenger has said he has always admired the voluptuous curves of the phrase '3rd place'.

Scottish premier league to award three points for murder

SCOTTISH football's premier league is to award three points for a successful bombing campaign.

Liverpool fans query own penalty

LIVERPOOL fans have appealed to have their own penalty goal overturned.

Giggs deserves knighthood for services to not behaving like a footballer

WAYNE Rooney has led calls for Ryan Giggs to be knighted for devoting 20 years to not behaving like a professional footballer.

Lehmann celebrates win by fighting alligator

MIGHTY goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has marked his return to English football by fighting an alligator in his Gothic mansion.

Tragedy as 21 year-old earns £78,000 for four days work

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.

Footballers uncouth

SOME footballers are loutish individuals who swear in mixed company, it has emerged.

Work starts on Olympic Stadium excuses

SEBASTIAN Coe has launched the first tranche of excuses about why something in the Olympic Stadium doesn't work.