Barton denies existence of FA

JOEY Barton has refused to serve his three-match ban after disproving the existence of the Football Association using Nietzschean perspectivism.

Liverpool sticking with 'Uruguayan racism is really friendly'

LIVERPOOL'S defence of banned striker Luis Suarez will continue to be based on a strict interpretation of Uruguayan semantics.

Wenger admits Arsenal cannot win 1980 cup final

ARSENE Wenger has conceded that his team is now unlikely to win the FA Cup final that took place almost 32 years ago.

Arsenal to unveil statue of man checking his texts

THE next statue to be unveiled outside the Emirates Stadim will be of someone looking really bored.

Fulham fans 'fainted dead away'

FULHAM fans took one of their turns last night.

FA Cup sees battle of the giant also-rans

THE FA Cup third round will see an epic battle between players you have never heard of against players who were okay five years ago.

Aw, bless, sportswomen told

THE Sports Personality of the Year judging panel has told Britain's women athletes to stop worrying their sporty little heads.

Ferguson absolutely does not call for linesmen to be 'disappeared'

SIR Alex Ferguson has made it clear he in no way advocates having officials who displease him disappear without trace.