Mourinho working on metaphor that’ll blow Man City away

JOSE Mourinho is preparing a metaphor so apt that Manchester City will be unable to defend against it.

Gravity wins at Sochi

EARTH'S gravitational field has been declared Overall Winner at the Winter Olympics.

Chelsea bus requests transfer

CHELSEA'S team bus has demanded a transfer after being left out of the team facing Manchester City last weekend.

Kinnear unable to get any signatures on leaving card

JOE Kinnear has left St James’ Park for the last time with a blank farewell card.

Imagine he wrestled, Bryan fans told

DISAPPOINTED Daniel Bryan fans have been told to pretend he turned up at Sunday's Royal Rumble.

Juan Mata joins rat-infested ghost ship

CHELSEA midfielder Juan Mata has been sold to an eerie crewless ship.

United fans pool resources to throw season ticket onto pitch

A CONSORTIUM of United fans has bought a season ticket to throw onto the pitch in protest against David Moyes.

Neville arrested outside Moyes house with gun

GARY Neville as been arrested for attempting to scale David Moyes's garden fence while carrying a gun.