Webber To Start Next Race In A '98 Punto

FORMULA 1 car-pointer Mark Webber will start the next Grand Prix in a 1998 Fiat Punto.

Gratuitous Donkey Torture All Round

JOYFUL crowds spilled onto the streets of Spain last night as the nation celebrated its World Cup victory with a traditional bout of doing unspeakable things to donkeys.

Ronaldo Baby Punches Midwife

RONALDO'S baby son punched a midwife within seconds of being born before feigning a calf injury, it has been confirmed.

Gerrard ******s A **** With ****

LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard is bracing himself for revelations that he ***ed a ***** and has had to ***** the ***** with a coat hanger and a ****ing great *******.

Liverpool Fans Accuse Hodgson Of Raging Sanity

PROTESTORS outside Anfield last night questioned whether Roy Hodgson is mentally unstable enough to manage Liverpool.

England Players Tired After Long Season Of Travelodge Skanks

FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.

Video Technology Confirms England Are Very Bad At Football

ENGLAND are heading home from the World Cup today after state-of-the-art video technology showed the ball crossing their goal line many, many times.

Tennis Match Goes Insane

THE All England Tennis Club has commissioned a special forces officer to terminate a match at Wimbledon after it went completely insane.