Murray Fires Racket

ANDY Murray has announced that he will no longer be using a racket during tennis matches.

Ferrari Employ Regency Gentlemen

CAR-pointing experts Ferrari have caused uproar by replacing their driving team with two excessively polite gentlemen from the 1820s.

Hodgson Mistakes Cole For Grandson

LIVERPOOL boss Roy Hodgson has unsettled new signing Joe Cole by repeatedly asking whether he's Sylvia or Enid's lad.

Webber To Start Next Race In A '98 Punto

FORMULA 1 car-pointer Mark Webber will start the next Grand Prix in a 1998 Fiat Punto.

Gratuitous Donkey Torture All Round

JOYFUL crowds spilled onto the streets of Spain last night as the nation celebrated its World Cup victory with a traditional bout of doing unspeakable things to donkeys.

Ronaldo Baby Punches Midwife

RONALDO'S baby son punched a midwife within seconds of being born before feigning a calf injury, it has been confirmed.

Gerrard ******s A **** With ****

LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard is bracing himself for revelations that he ***ed a ***** and has had to ***** the ***** with a coat hanger and a ****ing great *******.

Liverpool Fans Accuse Hodgson Of Raging Sanity

PROTESTORS outside Anfield last night questioned whether Roy Hodgson is mentally unstable enough to manage Liverpool.