Fifa Gives Free Publicity To Unofficial Beer

FIFA was banned from its own World Cup last night after giving millions of pounds worth of publicity to an unofficial product.

Effigy Makers Desperate For Terry Gaffe

MANUFACTURERS of shoddy effigies that are hung outside scary pubs last night said they were desperate for John Terry to make England's next catastrophic error.

The Daily Mash Guide To South Africa 2010

By Tony Soprano

SO I was in the Bing the other day with the guys - Paulie, Silv and that fat fuck Bobby. We started talkin' about what team's gonna win this fuckin' World Series Cup they're playing over in South Africa. Anyways, Christopher walks in with a box of Cannoli...

Loony Lefties Ban England Flag Made With Blood Of Dead Argies

A LOCAL community has been banned from painting an England flag on the side of a building just because they want to use the blood of dead Argentinians for the red bits.

Glazers To Make Rio Ferdinand Dance For Chinese Gangsters

THE owners of Manchester United are to pay down their debts by making Rio Ferdinand do a fan dance for some Chinese opium lords.

Liverpool Celebrations Visible From Space

CELEBRATIONS marking the departure of Rafael Benitez have been spotted by astronauts on board the International Space Station.

Millions Launch Pathetic Bid To Feign Interest In Football

MILLIONS of men across England have emarked on a pathetic attempt to pretend to care about football, it was confirmed last night.

Capello Unveils Squad Of Mutant Rooneys

FABIO Capello has dropped 29 players from his provisional World Cup squad in favour of a side comprised entirely of mutant Wayne Rooneys.