DARREN Clarke celebrated his Open victory last night with another batch of top quality tobacco.
ROBERTO Mancini will purchase every member of Arsenal's squad, with the obvious exception of Eboue, just to see the look on Arsene Wenger's face.
BRITISH athletes are far too nice to try and win things, according to turtle-faced coach Sir Clive Woodward.
ARSENE Wenger has been warned by his last remaining player, Emmanuelle Eboué, that he never, ever plans to leave.
KENNY Dalglish is hoping to improve Liverpool's fortunes next season by fielding a side comprising entirely of midfielders.
DEFEATED boxer David Haye has heralded a new dawn of British sports excuses by blaming a 1cm bone in his four tonne body.
ENGLAND have been moved to fourth in the world rankings in a move clearly designed to flip the FA the bird.
ORGANISERS of the London Olympics have apologised for not simultaneously saying yes to every single person in the world.