Bye everyone, say Premier League players

ENGLAND’S top footballists have already moved abroad after a wage cap was discussed yesterday.

Terry wasn’t substituted, says Chelsea

JOHN Terry played a full 90 minutes against Liverpool on Sunday, according to Chelsea FC.

Wenger addicted to losing

ARSENE Wenger is now a full-blown addict to Arsenal's chronic inablity to win, it has emerged.

Olympic velodrome built on cursed burial ground

BRITAIN’S Olympic cycling success has invoked an ancient curse, it has been revealed.

Scotland to try not having a manager

SCOTLAND’S national team will manage itself for a year to see if that’s any better, it has been confirmed.

Ipswich Town finds manager to keep morale low

MICK McCarthy has been given the awful job of managing Ipswich Town after proving to be impressively funereal.

Chelsea FC gets nuclear weapons

ROMAN Abramovich has bought the Trident weapons system as part of a plan to shore up Chelsea's defences.