Sport

Tiny urn forced to return to shithole

A TINY terracotta urn was last night coming to terms with the appalling prospect of having to go back to England.

Back us or Benitez, warn managers

UNDER-fire managers have issued stark ultimatums to their boards as the giant face of Rafael Benitez loomed over the horizon.

A guide to Blackburn's new manager, with Brian Sewell

AND so Samuel Allardicé is cast into the stygian abyss of failed Blackburn Rovers allenatori. But which new Theseus will come forth to slay the Minotaur that is the fair red rose of Lancashire's unfulfilled desires?

Allardyce returns to double glazing factory

BLACKBURN Rovers have confirmed that Sam Allardyce will return to his post as regional sales executive for Ossett Windows.

Tevez demands bigger cage

MANCHESTER City cheese-before-bedtime nightmare Carlos Tevez has rocked fans by asking for a larger pen.

Australia to recall booze and strippers

AUSTRALIA is to recall booze, strippers and late night hotel carnage to its humiliated Ashes squad.

Newcastle Replace Hughton With 1972 Magpie Annual

NEWCASTLE United owner Mike Ashley yesterday predicted a new golden age for the club after replacing manager Chris Hughton with a battered copy of the 1972 Magpie annual.

Ashes Fans Unable To Distinguish Dreams From Reality

BLEARY-eyed cricket fans are currently living in a confusing, surreal dreamscape where England know what they are doing.