Religious bigots deny racism

SCOTTISH football fans have insisted their bigotry begins and ends with the precise manner in which someone worships Christ.

Boycott to open therapy centre

GEOFF Boycott is to open Yorkshire's larget psychotherapy clinic, with a pledge to cure a patient every eight seconds.

Torres asked if he has any other skills

FERNANDO Torres has been asked how many words per minute he can type.

Ireland beat England at having afternoon tea

IRELAND completed a grand slam over England yesterday after beating them 3-0 at having a lovely afternoon tea.

Ferguson criticises envelope

SIR Alex Ferguson has questioned the fitness of the stationery that was used to deliver his touchline ban.

Volleyball sold out

OLYMPIC organisers have pleaded with the public to buy tickets for events not based on bikinis or hotpants.

Ferdinand not sleazy enough to captain England

RIO Ferdinand does not have the commanding sleaze of a world class sexual predator needed to captain England, Fabio Capello has claimed.

No such thing as Arsenal fans

THERE is no such thing as an Arsenal fan, it was confirmed last night.