Sport

FA Cup giant-killings to be followed by Premier League dwarf-killings

FOLLOWING the weekend's giant-killing FA Cup wins, the Premier League has promised that next weekend's dwarf-crushings will continue as usual.

FA Cup romance turns to lust

THE FA plans to tone down the romance of the FA Cup after a fan broke into Wembley Stadium and made love to the trophy.

Berahino 'not for sale' except if money involved

SAIDO Berahino will not be leaving West Bromwich Albion under any circumstances except in exchange for a large sum of currency, it has been confirmed.

Mirallas unsuccessfully tries to park Baines’s car

EVERTON midfielder Kevin Mirallas has damaged team mate Leighton Baines’s car after deciding to park it for him.

PE lessons to focus on snooker and darts

SCHOOL sports lessons are to move away from more ‘physical’ activities to focus on darts and snooker.

World would be better place if we all watched snooker

LIFE on earth would be less violent if everyone just sat down and watched the snooker, it has emerged.

Concept of numbers explained to Poyet

SUNDERLAND manager Gustavo Poyet has learned the meaning of numbers like 32, three and a half, and 80,000, one day too late.

Ronaldo to use solid gold ball for rest of season

CRISTIANO Ronaldo has pledged to take free-kicks with a solid gold ball.