Chelsea Title Win Celebrated By Absolutely No-One

EVERYBODY in England completely failed to care yesterday as Chelsea clinched the Premier League title.

Liverpool To Replace Gerrard With Petri Dish

RAFAEL Benitez planned for Liverpool's future yesterday by buying a petri dish full of human DNA for £2m.

Bollocks To This, Say Goalkeepers

PREMIERSHIP goalkeepers have decided to fuck that for a game of soldiers after a spate of semi-fatal injuries over the weekend.

Neville And Scholes To Spend Summer Camping In The Mountains

MANCHESTER United veterans Gary Neville and Paul Scholes are to spend the summer in a tent.

Lady Gaga In Wisden Top Five

POP star Lady Gaga has been named as one of Wisden's cricketers of the year.

Portsmouth Cup Final Spots To Be Auctioned

ADMINISTRATORS at Portsmouth FC are to sell off the club's FA Cup final places to the highest bidder.

Football Fans In Germany-Man Utd Hate Conundrum

FOOTBALL fans across Britain are still trying to pin down exactly who they hated most in last night's Champion's League quarter-final.

Newcastle Fans To Resume Inexplicable Self-Confidence

NEWCASTLE United fans resumed their adorable self-confidence last night by insisting their team was on course to win the Premier League next year without conceding a single goal.