Wenger did not see Orient match

ARSENE Wenger has refused to comment on Arsenal's draw against Leyton Orient, claiming not to have seen any of it.

Uefa banks on football fans being thick

TICKET prices for the Champion's League final are fresh evidence that the people who run football think the fans might be a bit stupid, it emerged last night.

Olympic stadium to become 'world class' car boot sale venue

LONDON'S Olympic stadium will be transformed into the nation's finest car boot sale venue after the 2012 games.

Woman impregnated by overhead kick

WAYNE Rooney's right foot is being studied by theologians after his overhead kick impregnated a 58 year-old woman from Guildford.

Not-England don't win uncompetition

FABIO Capello declared himself ambivalent toward the display the side he would prefer not to pick gave against Denmark last night.

South Sudan beats Scotland 4-1

THE world's newest nation celebrated its birth last night with a 4-1 victory over Scotland.

Torres fee obviously adjusted for inflation, claims Chelsea

FERNANDO Torres' £50m transfer fee was clearly adjusted to allow for inflation, Chelsea insisted last night.

Neville retires to grow moustache

GARY Neville has announced his retirement from his version of football to focus on growing a moustache.