Lehmann celebrates win by fighting alligator

MIGHTY goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has marked his return to English football by fighting an alligator in his Gothic mansion.

Tragedy as 21 year-old earns £78,000 for four days work

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.

Footballers uncouth

SOME footballers are loutish individuals who swear in mixed company, it has emerged.

Work starts on Olympic Stadium excuses

SEBASTIAN Coe has launched the first tranche of excuses about why something in the Olympic Stadium doesn't work.

Religious bigots deny racism

SCOTTISH football fans have insisted their bigotry begins and ends with the precise manner in which someone worships Christ.

Boycott to open therapy centre

GEOFF Boycott is to open Yorkshire's larget psychotherapy clinic, with a pledge to cure a patient every eight seconds.

Torres asked if he has any other skills

FERNANDO Torres has been asked how many words per minute he can type.

Ireland beat England at having afternoon tea

IRELAND completed a grand slam over England yesterday after beating them 3-0 at having a lovely afternoon tea.