Manchester United to renew pact with Satan

THE Red Devils are to renew their longstanding commitment to Satan in a ceremony before their home game this Sunday.

Wenger pays out on Arsenal winning league

ARSENAL manager Arsené Wenger has offered to pay in full any bets on his club winning the Premier League.

Sky launches Sky Sports Handshakes

SKY Sports is launching a new subscriber-only channel focused entirely on sporting event handshakes.

Yorkshire Tour de France to allow old men in bathtubs

THE two Yorkshire stages of the Tour de France will include the county's pensioners in homemade comedy vehicles.

Ferguson memoir reveals United never actually won anything

SIR Alex Ferguson’s new book has revealed that United failed to win even the League Cup during his 26 years in charge.

Furious Mourinho forced to mix with Chelsea fans

JOSE Mourinho has blasted the FA after a referee made him breathe the same dirty air as fans of Chelsea FC.

England wins World Cup

ENGLAND have basically won the World Cup.

Plucky England dreaming of draw against mighty Montenegro

ENGLAND'S raggle-taggle crew of enthusiastic amateur footballers believe they can hold the legendary Montenegro to a draw.