Parallel universe Andy Murray inspires our universe Andy Murray

ANDY Murray's ridiculously successful parallel universe counterpart has told the tennis player he needs to get back out there and smash it.

Olympians will eat burgers during events

OLYMPIC athletes will be required to consume McDonalds food while competing, it has emerged.

Murray to use shameless flirtation against Tsonga

ANDY Murray will deploy strategic gay come-ons to distract Jo Wilfried Tsonga at Wimbledon today, it has been claimed.

Rooney punches his horse

WAYNE Rooney has assaulted his own horse in a fit of jealous rage after it won a race.

Murray in danger of no longer being funny

ANDY Murray risks losing his status as a byword for risible mediocrity.

Spain show boring inability to be rubbish

EURO 2012 winners Spain have come under more fire for showing a reluctance to mix things up by being bad at football.

Rangers becomes a pub team

SCOTTISH football chiefs are forcing Rangers to start again as a pub team following their financial difficulties.

Nation cancels Monday

ENGLAND supporters have told Monday where it can stick it.