NEWCASTLE'S Joey Barton has issued a public apology after failing to assault Sam Allardyce on Sunday.
LIVERPOOL manager Roy Hodgson fears he will never be invited to another Sunday afternoon tea dance after his team's victory over Chelsea.
TOTTENHAM'S Gareth Bale is to become the star attraction in a Californian zoo, it was confirmed last night.
HARRY Redknapp has threatened a blackout of worthless, instantly forgettable post-match comments which ultimately demean both him and you.
ENGLAND'S 2018 World Cup bid is 'primitive' according to the land of potato gangsters where nothing works.
Manchester United striker Michael Owen will be out for six weeks after straining his left ovary.
WAYNE Rooney has ensured Portsmouth FC's future after pledging them the contents of his sofa.