Carroll starts against Newcastle to remind him of his job

ANDY Carroll will play for Liverpool against Newcastle this weekend in the hope it will trigger memories of his former behaviour.

Hoddle to be reincarnated as England manager

GLENN Hoddle is planning to end his own life, ride the wheel of karma and return to this world as the manager of the England football team.

Celtic to sneer at grubby stadium

CELTIC fans will replace sectarian chants with derogatory comments about furnishings at this weekend’s Old Firm derby.

Team GB safe from angry bulls

BRITAIN'S Olympic team need have no fear of rampaging bulls, it has been confirmed.

'Next up - fire', say Welsh

WALES will use its Grand Slam victory as a spur to tackle its eternal adversary, fire.

Chelsea in relegation bid to help Torres

CHELSEA will make an audacious bid to get relegated in an attempt to keep Fernando Torres on the scoresheet.

European football takes plastic cover off sofa

THE exit of Manchester from European competition has allowed for the removal of plastic sofa covers and the appearance of the good cutlery.

Premier league boss claims China stole egg foo yung from Sheffield

THE chairman of the premier league last night accused China of stealing great British recipes like egg foo yung and Szechuan chicken.