'We're ready to piss on ourselves'

THOUSANDS of determined runners are preparing to urinate in their pants at this weekend's London Marathon.

Referee declares Chelsea winners of the Superbowl

REFEREE Martin Atkinson has announced that Chelsea Rovers won their game in straight sets yesterday.

It's not that much fun, say horses

HORSE racing is okay if you are in the mood, horses said last night.

Comolli resigns after winning Nigerian lottery

DAMIEN Comolli has resigned from his post of chief moneyburner at Liverpool FC after winning $40 million via email.

Boat Race kills 27

THE 158th Varsity Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge ended in a shootout which killed nine participants and 18 spectators.

Ferguson removes Dalglish mask

ALEX Ferguson has confessed that he has been managing Liverpool for the last 15 months.

Carroll starts against Newcastle to remind him of his job

ANDY Carroll will play for Liverpool against Newcastle this weekend in the hope it will trigger memories of his former behaviour.

Hoddle to be reincarnated as England manager

GLENN Hoddle is planning to end his own life, ride the wheel of karma and return to this world as the manager of the England football team.