Mancini to buy entire Arsenal squad for a laugh

ROBERTO Mancini will purchase every member of Arsenal's squad, with the obvious exception of Eboue, just to see the look on Arsene Wenger's face.

GB Olympic failure to be blamed on politeness

BRITISH athletes are far too nice to try and win things, according to turtle-faced coach Sir Clive Woodward.

Eboué puts his feet up and reads paper

ARSENE Wenger has been warned by his last remaining player, Emmanuelle Eboué, that he never, ever plans to leave.

Liverpool to experiment with 0-11-0 formation

KENNY Dalglish is hoping to improve Liverpool's fortunes next season by fielding a side comprising entirely of midfielders.

British sport welcomes Haye excuse

DEFEATED boxer David Haye has heralded a new dawn of British sports excuses by blaming a 1cm bone in his four tonne body.

Fifa cranks up the piss-taking

ENGLAND have been moved to fourth in the world rankings in a move clearly designed to flip the FA the bird.

Olympics criticised for not immediately fulfilling pointless desires

ORGANISERS of the London Olympics have apologised for not simultaneously saying yes to every single person in the world.

Aquarium transfer round-up

WITH the new aquarium season just two weeks away, there has been a flurry of transfer activity at the UK's top marine-based attractions.