Ferdinand not sleazy enough to captain England

RIO Ferdinand does not have the commanding sleaze of a world class sexual predator needed to captain England, Fabio Capello has claimed.

No such thing as Arsenal fans

THERE is no such thing as an Arsenal fan, it was confirmed last night.

Northerners in a tizzy about something

TWO competing strains of Northerner became animated about something yesterday.

England made to give back Ashes

ENGLAND will today return the Ashes to Australia after the sport's governing body invoked the Ireland Rule.

Formula One is rubbish, admits Ecclestone

BERNIE Ecclestone has confessed that Formula One is bollocks and he's sick of looking at it.

Gazza offers Cole some chicken

UNHINGED gunman Ashley Cole was last night offered a variety of objects by Paul Gascoigne.

Hathaway costume changes delight England wicket keeper

ANNE Hathaway's eight costume changes were a triumph, according to Surrey and England wicket keeper Steven Davies.

Police braced for velodrome stampede

LONDON police are urging people not to travel to the newly-opened Olympic Velodrome amid overcrowding fears.