Zola To Go And Live On A Farm, Says West Ham

GIANFRANCO Zola will be sent to live on a farm where he will spend the rest of his days frolicking with other managers, according to the West Ham United board.

Howard Webb Employed As Anti Lie-Detector

REFEREE Howard Webb is to be used by police by ignoring his opinion on everything.

Hull Chairman To Set Fire To Stadium

HULL City chairman Adam Pearson is to follow up his appointment of Iain Dowie as manager by burning the stadium to the ground and salting the pitch.

Terry In Clumsy Attempt To Enter Security Guard

CHELSEA captain John Terry injured a Stamford Bridge security guard in what the club has described as bungled attempt to have sexual intercourse with him.

Poet Laureate Unveils Ode To Chelsea's 4-3-3 Formation

POET Laureate Carol Ann Duffy has penned a poetic tribute to Chelsea's favoured 4-3-3 formation without being asked.

US Equity Group Makes £119m Bid For Benitez's Brain

LIVERPOOL are in talks with a private equity firm over a multimillion bid for the contents of Rafael Benitez's imagination.

Cruise To Heal Beckham With Dianetic Mind Poultice

ENGLAND'S World Cup hopes were back on track last night after Tom Cruise said he could heal his friend David Beckham using nothing more than a simple Dianetic mind poultice.

Capello Sets World Cup Arrest Target

ENGLAND must finish in the top four sides arrested for lewd and uncontrollable drunkenness during this summer's World Cup, Fabio Capello said yesterday.