Owen Out With Ovary Strain

Manchester United striker Michael Owen will be out for six weeks after straining his left ovary.

Portsmouth Saved By Rooney Change Jar

WAYNE Rooney has ensured Portsmouth FC's future after pledging them the contents of his sofa.

Anfield Reign Was Elaborate Hoax, Reveals Benitez

RAFAEL Benitez has admitted that his six years in charge of Liverpool was an elaborate, David Copperfield-style illusion.

Liverpool Court Drama To Replace Home Matches

FANS have asked for the ownership battle over Liverpool FC to be staged at Anfield in place of the actual football.

Montenegro Not Even A Real Country, Claims FA

ENGLAND'S football chiefs have declared last night's 0-0 draw null and void after failing to find Montenegro in their 1959 Atlas Of The World.

Tevez Demands 30 Minute Matches

CARLOS Tevez has asked the Premier League to consider overhauling the entire football rulebook as his legs are a bit tired.

Red Sox Owner Fulfills Boyhood Passion For Whingeing Thieves

THE owner of the Boston Red Sox has fulfilled a life-long ambition of surrounding himself with thousands of whining bastards who want to steal his car.

Montgomerie Dedicates Ryder Cup Victory To Jesus

EUROPE'S Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie last night said the victory would not have been possible without the love and guidance of Jesus Christ.