French teach English meaning of 'ennui'

ENGLAND’S opening Euro 2012 game against France has taught fans what cheroot­-smoking philosophers have been going on about all these years.

Middle-aged executive announced as 100m Olympic champion

PAUNCHY company director and Olympic sponsor Stephen Malley is the world's fastest sprinter, it has emerged.

Inconsiderate park football ruins 5,000 picnics

THE inconsiderate park football season got off to a flying start this weekend, with a record number of picnics ruined.

Wembley to trial cliché-detecting technology

A NEW type of predictable pundit platitude software is to be tested at England's forthcoming game against Belgium.

Terry dedicates Champions League win to himself

JOHN Terry's single-handed capture of the Champions League trophy was especially for John Terry, it has emerged.

Owen vows to continue top-­flight sitting

MICHAEL Owen believes his career in being seated can continue at the highest level after leaving Manchester United.

England fans gripped by opposite of fever

THE announcement of England’s squad has triggered no excitement ahead of the Euro 2012 tournament.

Joey Barton 'based personality on Swayze in Road House'

FOOTBALLER Joey Barton has confessed to stealing his philosophising tough guy persona from the lead character in the 1989 movie Road House.