Sport

Brian Sewell's World Cup Voting Guide

THE man who comes once a week to trim my hedge is most animated by the prospect of which nation will host the football World Cup that coincides with the 500th anniversary of Raphael's overpowering vision of St Michael vanquishing Satan.

Premiership Reaches New Heights Of Epic 110 Percentness

THE Premier League has seen its biggest weekend of epic, 110 percent giving since it was scraped off a wart on Rupert Murdoch's back.

FA Investigates Deliberate Almunia

THE Football Association is to investgate claims that Arsenal have staged a deliberate Manuel Almunia.

Person Says Thing About Man

CLAIMS that a man who does sport is in some way deficient have been rubbished by another man.

New Generation Lives Up To Lack Of Promise

FABIO Capello said England now has the strength in depth to carry its grinding mediocrity forward to the next generation.

Vettel Celebrates By Fingering Girl In Car Park

SEBASTIAN Vettel marked becoming the youngest F1 champion ever by embarking on a marathon knucklefish session behind KFC.

Barton Apologises For Not Punching Allardyce In The Kidneys

NEWCASTLE'S Joey Barton has issued a public apology after failing to assault Sam Allardyce on Sunday.

Drogba Bitten By Large-Breasted Mosquito

DIDIER Drogba has contracted malaria after a one night stand with a former mosquito glamour model.