Woods Has Sex With Dirty Mermaids

GOLFING intercourse monster Tiger Woods has taken advantage of the wet weather in Wales by sleeping with a string of underwater prostitutes.

Everton To Employ Chelsea Security Guards

CHELSEA stewards have joined Everton on a loan deal so that suffering fans can be tossed quickly out of the ground when it all gets too awful.

Tour De France Bans Terry-Thomas

TERRY-Thomas has been banned from the Tour de France amid claims of skullduggery and caddishness.

Anfield Built On Indian Burial Ground

LIVERPOOL'S poor start to the season has been traced to an ancient Arapaho curse under the Kop End at Anfield.

Ferguson Sends Photo Of Arse To Scunthorpe Match

SIR Alex Ferguson has been accused of disrespecting the Carling Cup after installing a framed photo of his buttocks on the Manchester United bench.

Millions To Watch Commonwealth Games To See If Something Collapses

MILLIONS of people who had no intention of watching the Commonwealth Games are now eager to tune in just to see if the stadium collapses.

Strauss Denies England In Control Of Their Actions

ANDREW Strauss has angrily dismissed accusations that the England cricket squad is capable of doing things deliberately.

Berbatov To Spend Rest Of Season Drinking Absinthe

DIMITAR Berbatov will spend the next eight months sipping absinthe from a jade goblet after completing his 90 minutes of effort for the season.