Neville retires to grow moustache

GARY Neville has announced his retirement from his version of football to focus on growing a moustache.

Transfer window round-up, with Brian Sewell

I HAVE cast an eye over the transfer dealings and picked out the Mozarts from the Salieris.

Football fans still ignoring how transfer market makes mockery of their allegiance

FOOTBALL fans are once again choosing to ignore how the multi-million pound transfer market makes their club allegiances look stupid and pointless.

Murray to be replaced with wardrobe

CHIPPY millionaire Andy Murray will send an IKEA Aspelund wardrobe in his place for all future Grand Slam finals.

Keys points finger at Sith

RICHARD Keys has blamed disturbances in the Force for his recent inability to cling on to his job.

Cameron hails 'golden age' for lesbian squash

BRITAIN could soon have the best lesbian squash players in Europe, prime minister David Cameron said last night.

Coe admits links to ICF

SEBASTIAN Coe has revealed he was once a leading member of West Ham's notorious Inter City Firm.

Offside rule incredibly straightforward

THE offside rule is so simple even a female human could understand it, experts have confirmed.