Dalglish spends £8m at vending machine

LIVERPOOL manager Kenny Dalglish has defended his decision to spend £8m on a bag of crisps and a can of Irn Bru.

Murray immortalised as footnote in world's most boring rivalry

ANDY Murray will be remembered as the guy Rafael Nadal usually beat before he beat Roger Federer in the French Open final, it was confirmed last night.

Olympic ticket applicants receive first set of clues

OLYMPICS ticket applicants have been posted an elliptic set of messages that will eventually reveal what sport they will be watching.

Poirot asked to uncover significance of Fifa corruption thing

HERCULE Poirot has been asked to deduce why that thing in the news about Fifa matters in the slightest.

Capello sends Owen highlights DVD

FABIO Capello has responded to Michael Owen questioning his exile from the England squad by burning him a DVD of the last five years of his career.

Relegations fail to reduce football

TEAMS relegated on the final day of the Premier League season will only be replaced by different ones, it has emerged.

Brian Sewell's guide to the relegation battle

WITH the Premier League season about to climax over the nation's grateful visage, one's thoughts turn to those for whomst shame and sorrow will become constant companions.

Olympic flame to terrify Wales

WALES is to come face to face with fire on a stick.