Johnson to place strippers next to World Cup goal posts

ENGLAND manager Martin Johnson is to position a brace of floozies and a pitcher of lager behind the goal line in a bid to motivate Mike Tindall.

Army to provide emergency tennis

THE army is on standby in the event of a tennis strike, Downing Street has confirmed.

Ridiculing Arsenal to become a hate crime

ARSENAL are to be granted legal protection from the relentless taunts of opposing fans, it has been confirmed.

Spurs deny ability to field weakened side

SPURS boss Harry Redknapp has defended his team selection against Rubik Tonka, claiming his side are uniformly mediocre.

Rooney like Pele, but with prostitutes, says Ferguson

WAYNE Rooney is a white, prostitute-loving version of Pele, Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed.

Bid to keep rugby fans in New Zealand

THERE have been fresh calls to detain Britain's diehard rugby fans in New Zealand for the rest of their lives.

5000m triumph definitely wasn't worth all the pain, says Farah

BRITAIN'S 5000m world champion Mo Farah has admitted that in retrospect he wishes he hadn't bothered.

England to top international hype table

VICTORY over Wales tomorrow will see England confirmed as the team with the most unrealistic set of fans in the world.