Brian Sewell's Euro 2012 playoff round-up

NEXT year I shall be reviving the lost tradition of the Grand Tour Of Europe, with my route taking me to every town in which Lord Byron managed to impregnate a member of the local aristocracy.

England expected to find cancer cure by January

THE England team is now expected to eradicate all disease over the next three months, it has been confirmed.

Tevez turns over a new suspension

CARLOS Tevez has vowed to get back to being an utter tool for his club, it emerged last night.

Olympic Games cancelled

LONDON'S 2012 Olympics has been cancelled after Lord Coe decided it wasn't really what he wanted to do with his life.

England to play dressed as stormtroopers

ENGLAND’S football players will protest against a poppy ban by taking to the field dressed as Nazi soldiers, it has been announced.

Grand National to outlaw rotating knives

ANIMAL rights activists have welcomed the removal of meat-processing machinery from next year's Grand National.

Lewis Hamilton is 86 years-old

LEWIS Hamilton's recent dip in form is because he is actually in his mid eighties, it has emerged.

England demands its own word for 'schadenfreude'

AMID unprecedented levels of schadenfreude, England said it is now time it had its own word for it.