Eboué puts his feet up and reads paper

ARSENE Wenger has been warned by his last remaining player, Emmanuelle Eboué, that he never, ever plans to leave.

Liverpool to experiment with 0-11-0 formation

KENNY Dalglish is hoping to improve Liverpool's fortunes next season by fielding a side comprising entirely of midfielders.

British sport welcomes Haye excuse

DEFEATED boxer David Haye has heralded a new dawn of British sports excuses by blaming a 1cm bone in his four tonne body.

Fifa cranks up the piss-taking

ENGLAND have been moved to fourth in the world rankings in a move clearly designed to flip the FA the bird.

Olympics criticised for not immediately fulfilling pointless desires

ORGANISERS of the London Olympics have apologised for not simultaneously saying yes to every single person in the world.

Aquarium transfer round-up

WITH the new aquarium season just two weeks away, there has been a flurry of transfer activity at the UK's top marine-based attractions.

Chelsea fans go all giddy

THOUSANDS of tattooed Chelsea supporters have locked themselves in their room listening to Justin Bieber after the appointment of André Villas-Boas as manager.

Sharapova grunt awarded world heritage status

THE grunting of Maria Sharapova is to be protected under the United Nation's world heritage programme.