Wenger to sign 16-year-old manager

ARSENE Wenger has refused to sign a new long-term contract with Arsenal, insisting he can find a cheaper, younger version of himself.

Tennis not for 'poofs' after all, says Scotland

SCOTLAND has revised its opinion of whether tennis is for 'poofs', it has emerged.

Murray vows to drive the English out of Scotland

TENNIS champion Andy Murray plans is using his fame to unite Scotland against the English, it has emerged.

Hamilton torn over whose cars to crash

LEWIS Hamilton is facing a dilemma over which team's cars he is going to smash into a wall, it has emerged.

Nobody comes to see Hodgson any more

ENGLAND players are making increasingly-implausible excuses for not seeing Roy Hodgson at his FA retirement bungalow.

Dalglish to rejoin Liverpool forward line

KENNY Dalglish has signed for Liverpool, boosting both morale and their ineffective strike force.

Hooves to ensure fairness in Paralympic sprinting

OSCAR Pistorius' complaints about prosthetic blades have triggered the introduction of compulsory strap-on hooves in Paralympic running.

Football car parks brace themselves

ENGLAND’S football-related car parks are hoping for their chance to shine as the transfer window closes today.