Rooney ends prostitute drought

MANCHESTER United fans were celebrating last night after Wayne Rooney ended a six year prostitute revelation drought.

Usain Bolt To Take Your Job By Next Year

SPRINTER Usain Bolt has indicated his intention to do your job much, much better than you ever could after first breaking every athletics record in the world.

England Fans Attack Wombles

ENGLAND fans gathering in London ahead of tonight's qualifying game against Bulgaria have been involved in running battles with the capital's Womble population.

We'd Have Done It For A Tenner, Say Thousands Of Awful Cricketers

CRICKETERS across England have urged match-fixers to contact them the next time they need somebody to be shit at bowling.

Aquilani Loaned To Italian Jigsaw Enthusiast

ALBERTO Aquilani has been loaned to Juventus after manager Luigi Delneri revealed himself to be a keen jigsaw collector.

Newcastle Delusions Invade Reality

THE lunatic fantasy world of Newcastle United supporters has started to manifest itself in this dimension after the club's 6-0 win over Aston Villa.

Which England Footballer Likes To Have Sex With Two Giraffes At The Same Time?

AN ENGLAND footballer has taken out a High Court injunction in a bid to prevent a newspaper revealing their obsession with underage giraffe orgies.

Cole Acclimatises To Liverpool With Criminal Record

JOE Cole continued his bid to acclimatise to life in Liverpool yesterday by appearing before a magistrate.