Critics disguised themselves as players, says Warnock

NEIL Warnock has blamed critics for his dismissal, claiming they posed as opposition footballers that kept beating his team.

Spurs fan to wake up in a damp bed

THE Tottenham Hotspur fan whose dream we are all part of will wake soon, blinking this universe out of existence, experts have claimed.

Everyone to start supporting Barnet

FOOTBALL supporters are to switch their allegiance to a team whose scumbags they have never heard of.

Roundabout traffic flow to be reversed during Olympics

TRAFFIC flow on roundabouts will be switched to anti-clockwise for the duration of the Olympics, the Government has announced.

Neville checks his phone is working

GARY Neville has spent the last 24 hours obsessively calling his voicemail and making sure his phone has full bars.

Barton denies existence of FA

JOEY Barton has refused to serve his three-match ban after disproving the existence of the Football Association using Nietzschean perspectivism.

Liverpool sticking with 'Uruguayan racism is really friendly'

LIVERPOOL'S defence of banned striker Luis Suarez will continue to be based on a strict interpretation of Uruguayan semantics.

Wenger admits Arsenal cannot win 1980 cup final

ARSENE Wenger has conceded that his team is now unlikely to win the FA Cup final that took place almost 32 years ago.