Vieira Mistook Whelan For Nazi Soldier

PATRICK Vieira has defended his attack on Glenn Whelan by claiming he was in the middle of a Word War Two flashback.

Skrnsson Takes Gold In Uphill Nordic Skjord

FINLAND'S Rinsu Skrnsson defended his Olympic title in Vancouver last night, taking gold in the 2x4000 Uphill Nordic Skjord.

Female Ref Books Player For Not Listening

THE Football League's first ever female referee booked Coventry City's Carl Baker yesterday for being totally insensitive.

Capello Optimistic As England Draw Narnia

FABIO Capello was in buoyant mood last night after England were drawn against the mythical land of Narnia in the 2012 European qualifiers.

Avram Grant Congratulated On Fantastic Wife

FOOTBALL manager and brothel enthusiast Avram Grant has the world's finest wife, according to a new survey.

Brisk Start For

FINANCE giants the You Corporation have reported brisk trading at a new business offering guaranteed cash in exchange for unwanted football teams.

John Terry Had Sex With An Octopus

JOHN Terry's future as England captain was on a knife-edge last night after it emerged he had sex with a 12-foot octopus.

Gerrard Hails Progress As House Burns To Ground

STEVEN Gerrard feels his living situation is heading in the right direction after his house finally stopped burning to the ground.