Ireland beat England at having afternoon tea

IRELAND completed a grand slam over England yesterday after beating them 3-0 at having a lovely afternoon tea.

Ferguson criticises envelope

SIR Alex Ferguson has questioned the fitness of the stationery that was used to deliver his touchline ban.

Volleyball sold out

OLYMPIC organisers have pleaded with the public to buy tickets for events not based on bikinis or hotpants.

Ferdinand not sleazy enough to captain England

RIO Ferdinand does not have the commanding sleaze of a world class sexual predator needed to captain England, Fabio Capello has claimed.

No such thing as Arsenal fans

THERE is no such thing as an Arsenal fan, it was confirmed last night.

Northerners in a tizzy about something

TWO competing strains of Northerner became animated about something yesterday.

England made to give back Ashes

ENGLAND will today return the Ashes to Australia after the sport's governing body invoked the Ireland Rule.

Formula One is rubbish, admits Ecclestone

BERNIE Ecclestone has confessed that Formula One is bollocks and he's sick of looking at it.