English cricketers come out of hiding

RICKY Ponting’s retirement has caused English cricketers to slowly unclench their buttocks.

'Sports' and 'personality' not really compatible

BEING really into sport and having a personality are two quite different things, the BBC has finally realised.

Barton’s accent to be used as crowd control weapon

JOEY Barton’s French accent could be used for riot control or the war on terror, it has emerged.

West Ham fans taunted by sound of man with tiny penis

WEST Ham fans are to be subjected to cruel taunts about the apparent smallness of their genitalia.

Benitez to black up

RAFAEL Benitez will don blackface during his time at Chelsea in a bid to reduce abuse from fans and players.

Everyone to have managed Chelsea by 2014

CHELSEA FC has confirmed that everybody in the UK will have a chance to manage their club over the next two years.

QPR are zero-th in Championship, says Hughes

MARK Hughes has defended QPR’s start to the season, saying they are technically above the top of the second division.

Flintoff to fight using cricket bat

SPORTING icon Andrew Flintoff’s foray into boxing will be made easier by the presence of his trusty 3lb bat.