Tevez returns as 'Tevez the White'

MYSTICAL striker Carlos Tevez has made a miraculous return to Manchester City claiming to be a more powerful incarnation of his former self.

Team GB to try fairly hard

BRITAIN'S Olympians say they are training as hard as they can, within reason.

Rangers pledges sectarianism as usual

MURDEROUS chant enabler Rangers last night pledged financial meltdown will not interfere with all the hating.

Suarez to sing 'I Will Always Love You' to Patrice Evra

THE Football Association has ordered Luis Suarez to sing I Will Always Love You to Manchester United's Patrice Evra on Valentine's Day.

Nick Griffin tipped as England manager

PUNDITS have predicted Nick Griffin will be the next England manager on the basis everyone already hates him anyway.

Capello convicted of tax evasion

TOTTENHAM Hotspur manager Fabio Capello has been convicted of tax evasion relating to payments made when he was manager of Portsmouth FC.

Chelsea-Man U 'a great advert for atheism'

SUPPORTERS of every other team in the country say the 3-3 match at Stamford Bridge yesterday was definitive proof of a godless universe.

Capello advised not to select anybody

FABIO Capello has been asked to submit an empty team sheet for Euro 2012 to avoid selecting gits.