Beckham accused of sleeping with wife

DAVID Beckham is fighting to save his reputation after claims he has been to bed with his pointy wife.

Liverpool phones Dignitas

DIRECTORS at Liverpool FC have booked Roy Hodgson a special holiday to Switzerland to thank him for all his hard work.

Tiny urn forced to return to shithole

A TINY terracotta urn was last night coming to terms with the appalling prospect of having to go back to England.

Back us or Benitez, warn managers

UNDER-fire managers have issued stark ultimatums to their boards as the giant face of Rafael Benitez loomed over the horizon.

A guide to Blackburn's new manager, with Brian Sewell

AND so Samuel Allardicé is cast into the stygian abyss of failed Blackburn Rovers allenatori. But which new Theseus will come forth to slay the Minotaur that is the fair red rose of Lancashire's unfulfilled desires?

Allardyce returns to double glazing factory

BLACKBURN Rovers have confirmed that Sam Allardyce will return to his post as regional sales executive for Ossett Windows.

Tevez demands bigger cage

MANCHESTER City cheese-before-bedtime nightmare Carlos Tevez has rocked fans by asking for a larger pen.

Australia to recall booze and strippers

AUSTRALIA is to recall booze, strippers and late night hotel carnage to its humiliated Ashes squad.