Olympic velodrome built on cursed burial ground

BRITAIN’S Olympic cycling success has invoked an ancient curse, it has been revealed.

Scotland to try not having a manager

SCOTLAND’S national team will manage itself for a year to see if that’s any better, it has been confirmed.

Ipswich Town finds manager to keep morale low

MICK McCarthy has been given the awful job of managing Ipswich Town after proving to be impressively funereal.

Chelsea FC gets nuclear weapons

ROMAN Abramovich has bought the Trident weapons system as part of a plan to shore up Chelsea's defences.

Stamford Bridge 'makes people racist'

CHELSEA football stadium emits a form of radiation that makes people horribly racist, it has been confirmed.

Frankel switching to snooker

THE greatest racehorse of all time is to become a professional snooker player.

Kick football out of racism campaign launched

CAMPAIGNERS are demanding that footballers stop dragging their overpaid pastime into their bigotry.