Stuart Pearce spends evening ruling himself out of things

STUART Pearce spent most of last night turning down the chance to do stuff nobody asked him to.

Tevez blows hole in Man City's theory of cash

CARLOS Tevez has undermined Manchester City's long term plan to spend whatever it takes to win something.

Ferguson thinks money should be about football

SIR Alex Ferguson has called for the exchange of very large sums of money to involve at least some football.

Scotland asked to be less predictable

SPORTS fans have asked Scotland that if they cannot be good can they at least be unusual.

Johnson to place strippers next to World Cup goal posts

ENGLAND manager Martin Johnson is to position a brace of floozies and a pitcher of lager behind the goal line in a bid to motivate Mike Tindall.

Army to provide emergency tennis

THE army is on standby in the event of a tennis strike, Downing Street has confirmed.

Ridiculing Arsenal to become a hate crime

ARSENAL are to be granted legal protection from the relentless taunts of opposing fans, it has been confirmed.

Spurs deny ability to field weakened side

SPURS boss Harry Redknapp has defended his team selection against Rubik Tonka, claiming his side are uniformly mediocre.