Rooney Sex Tape In Hands Of Insect-Stroking Ultra-Villain

A DEMENTED albino billionaire is threatening to beam images of a rutting Wayne Rooney into every home on Earth unless he is handed control of the world's nuclear arsenal.

Boxing A Metaphor For Cocaine, Says Hatton Loudly

RICKY Hatton has insisted that the whole sport of boxing is geared toward cocaine use, right down to its ruinous affects on nasal septums.

Rooney ends prostitute drought

MANCHESTER United fans were celebrating last night after Wayne Rooney ended a six year prostitute revelation drought.

Usain Bolt To Take Your Job By Next Year

SPRINTER Usain Bolt has indicated his intention to do your job much, much better than you ever could after first breaking every athletics record in the world.

England Fans Attack Wombles

ENGLAND fans gathering in London ahead of tonight's qualifying game against Bulgaria have been involved in running battles with the capital's Womble population.

We'd Have Done It For A Tenner, Say Thousands Of Awful Cricketers

CRICKETERS across England have urged match-fixers to contact them the next time they need somebody to be shit at bowling.

Aquilani Loaned To Italian Jigsaw Enthusiast

ALBERTO Aquilani has been loaned to Juventus after manager Luigi Delneri revealed himself to be a keen jigsaw collector.

Newcastle Delusions Invade Reality

THE lunatic fantasy world of Newcastle United supporters has started to manifest itself in this dimension after the club's 6-0 win over Aston Villa.