Sport

FA says, ‘f**k it, what does it matter?’

THE Football Association has finally given up and appointed Sam Allardyce as England manager.

Sunderland to spend £30m on someone, anyone

SUNDERLAND has pledged to smash its transfer record to bring in anyone, anyone at all.

Chris Froome abandons bike after realising they’re for kids

CHRIS Froome has completed a stage of the Tour de France on foot after suddenly realising that cycling is not what a grown man should be doing.

Football fans face terrifying hours without football

WORRIED fans have been reassured that pre-season fixtures are already under way, saving them from interacting with any other aspect of society.

Wimbledon finished two days ago

THE Wimbledon Tennis Championship concluded on Wednesday but nobody noticed, officials have confirmed.

Sam Allardyce disqualified from England job by wanting it

SAM Allardyce has been ruled out as England manager because he would actually like to do the job, the FA has confirmed.

Plucky Wales reminds England they weren't even plucky

WALES’ plucky performance in the semi-final of Euro 16 has reminded England fans that their team was not even remotely plucky.

England footballers promise to come back even more terrified of failure

ENGLAND'S footballers have vowed to redouble their crippling performance anxiety as they look ahead to the World Cup in Russia.