Sport

Rooney sidelined with chronic awareness of futility of existence

WAYNE Rooney will be out of action for six weeks after he realised during training that all human endeavour is ultimately pointless.

Premier League discovers it was all about money after all

TOP footballers who pretended to love the Premier League only really wanted its money, broken-hearted chairmen have discovered.

Villa fans go through previously undiscovered stages of grief

FANS of Aston Villa went through an unprecedented number of grief stages during their 6-0 home defeat yesterday.

Non-football fan discovers price of tickets then dies laughing

A MAN who does not like football died laughing after discovering the price of a ticket.

Leicester City reinforces suspension on bandwagon

LEICESTER City FC has carried out emergency works on its bandwagon following an unprecedented number of passengers.

Liverpool fan has only just realised it was 2-2

A LIVERPOOL fan who joined the Anfield ticket prices walkout has just realised that Sunderland scored twice in the last ten minutes.

Memphis Ocelots win Superbowl by eight seconds

AMERICA celebrated last night as the Memphis Ocelots beat the Las Vegas Assholes in Superbowl 50.

Six Nations to fill pubs with higher class of git

THE start of rugby’s Six Nations will see England’s pubs upgrade to a higher class of loud, annoying men.