Police ban anti-San Marino demonstrations

FOOTBALL fans have been warned against mocking first century stonecutter Marinus of Arbe as England prepares to face San Marino.

I swim drunk all the time, says Phelps

SWIMMER Michael Phelps has admitted winning his Olympic medals while drunk on home-brewed hooch.

Alan Pardew refuses to discuss giant looming sword

NEWCASTLE manager Alan Pardew has ignored enquiries about the huge sword suspended point-down above him by a single thread.

Manchester United fans using plane banners for idle chit chat

MANCHESTER United fans are communicating anything that pops into their heads via plane banners.

Golf ‘not good’

RYDER Cup fans have been warned that golf is a boring pastime for twats.

Gerrard blamed for everything

STEVEN Gerrard is responsible not only for Liverpool’s poor start to the season but all war, disease and famine, it has been claimed.

Spurs takeover off after bidders watch them play

INVESTORS have withdrawn a bid for Tottenham Hotspur after seeing them in action.

Billionaire tycoon running Arsenal 'like a business'

AMERICAN investor Stan Kroenke is treating Arsenal like some sort of investment, according to angry fans.