Sport

Bale not allowed on pitch at same time as other players

INSURERS have banned Carlo Ancelotti from picking Gareth Bale in case he gets broken.

North West particularly unbearable

TRAVELLERS have been warned that large areas of North West England are currently more awful than normal.

Arsenal pays £5.5 million for parallel universe Ronaldo

ARSENAL has signed Portuguese striker Ronaldo from a parallel Earth for the bargain price of £5.5m.

Football matches ruining magic of transfer market

FOOTBALL fans are furious that matches are diverting attention away from the transfer market.

Big Indifferent Land 3, Small Inexplicably Angry Land 2

BIG Indifferent Land snatched victory over Small Inexplicably Angry Land at Wembley last night leading to indifference and anger.