Sport

Alonso May Be Forced To Earn £20 Million Somewhere Else

MCLAREN racing driver Fernando Alonso was last night coming to terms with the harsh reality that he may be forced to earn £20 million a year somewhere else.

Mourinho Quits After Sushi Offer

FORMER Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has quit the club after his Russian employers offered to discuss his contract over sushi.

Darling To Guarantee All Bets On The 3.50 At Lingfield

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has agreed to cover all bets at this afternoon's EBF Maiden Stakes and is tipping the Irish two year-old, General Ting.

Cage Fighting Probably Gay, Say Doctors

NO holds barred cage fighting can lead to long term gayness and an obsession with thighs, the British Medical Association claimed last night.

Beckham Unable To Pronounce 'Scientology'

IN his first major setback since arriving in Los Angeles, David Beckham has revealed he is unable to pronounce the word 'Scientology'.

Wimbledon To Play Several Matches On Same Court To Clear Backlog

WIMBLEDON is to start playing up to three matches on the same court at the same time in a bid to clear the backlog caused by the bad weather.

Wimbledon To Ban Fisting

OFFICIALS at Wimbledon are to outlaw the practice of 'fisting' during matches in a move to clean up the increasingly offensive world of international tennis.

 

Old Firm Link To Spoiled Ballots

MORE than 99% of the spoiled ballots in the Holyrood election came from areas with the highest concentration of Rangers and Celtic supporters, according to new research.